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Jackson {Two Months}

Well, the last 2 months have flown by way faster than we could have ever imagined! We have loved every day with this sweet boy and are so thankful! Each day is slightly different; we haven't really gotten into any real routine. We had a couple of weeks that we started putting Jackson down for the night around 8:30. He would sleep for about 3.5- 4 hours then wake up 2-3 more times for feedings. However, with our busy and unpredictable evenings, this has not become a regular routine. We still aim to feed him, change him, and lay him down sometime around 9 - unless it's Wednesday and we are not home from Bible class yet. 

As far as sleep goes, Jackson does an amazing job at putting himself back to sleep through the night. He usually falls asleep in our arms and as soon as we lay him down, the eyes open wide. He will lay in his bed for sometimes 15 minutes just stretching and kicking and staring until he finally falls back asleep. Even after his night time meals, he will fall back asleep easily on his own. 

We have increased his reflux medication dosage because he has gained so much weight! He is a great eater! During the day he will eat every 2-3 hours...usually its every 2 hours on the dot! But, his feeding times have decreased from 30+ minutes to an average of about 15 minutes at a time- much more manageable for Momma! 

I have so enjoyed spending everyday with him! Maternity leave has been a great blessing! WE will go back to work part time in the middle of November--WE meaning he gets to come with me! We have pretty much everything we need, but I have been collecting and ordering a few extra items to leave at work for Jackson. He will have a little area dedicated to him in the office...Piano Gym, Floor Mat, pack n play, Take Along Swing, etc. I am excited about the Take Along Swing- it is so convenient for small spaces and traveling! Easy to fold up and so far, Jackson likes it!

This past weekend, Jackson went on his first youth group retreat! I was a little nervous about the van ride- I didn't know how he would do and we had 24 other people traveling with us! Baby J did awesome! I had pumped and prepared a bottle for each ride and we only needed it once. One of the boys in the youth group was sitting by Jackson when he was ready to eat so he got to give him his first "car ride bottle"! Jackson has no trouble transitioning between nursing and bottle. I did my best not to pack the entire house and I think I did pretty good! We took his Rock N Play sleeper (which he sleeps great in every night right beside my bed!) and his Boppy Lounger along with a ton of clothes and diapers.

Weight: 12 lb, 9 oz

Height: 23.5"

Hair is returning (he lost a little in the front)

Cradle cap is clearing up!

Likes:

sucking his hands

kicking

eating

talking

Dislikes:

being hungry

fights day time naps

Milestones:

He now laughs!

He is such a happy baby boy!

Happy Two Months!

Jackson Grady

It's safe to say that since my last post- July 2- life has been crazy, busy, wonderful, and joyous! I will quickly wrap up the last few weeks of the pregnancy and then move on to the delivery and the first month of little Jackson's life!

July was full of baby showers, house prep, finishing the nursery, and a week at Peach Valley camp. Thankfully, the new director's cabin was completed {enough} so that Jordan and I could stay there for the week at camp. Maybe it was because of the pregnancy, but camp was HOT! :) It was also a wonderful week and I am so happy I was able to go! I was worried a little bit throughout the week about getting too hot, but I was comforted by having our two great nurses there. I swelled more during camp than I did the entire pregnancy combined. Once we were home, the swelling was gone within 24 hours! So, camp ended on July 22, the next weekend we made our last trip to Yoakum pre-baby for a final shower and for Jordan to preach. The next week followed with a doctor check up (where she first mentions inducing early) and Discipleship University. The next week, we had what turned in to our final pre-baby doctor appointment, our last date night as a family of two, lots of finishing touches and deep cleaning around the house {thanks to mom!}, and before we knew it, we had a scheduled date to meet baby J!

Due to my blood clotting issues, doctor thought it was best to go ahead and induce at 37 weeks (2 days). Being that I have a crazy problem with wanting my entire life planned out, I did not mind knowing ahead of time exactly when we would be going to the hospital :) I was a little nervous and anxious as we left the house that morning {8-16-16} at 5:30 am but mostly we were so excited. I had complete trust in my doctor and we had been praying for a safe delivery, so we weren't really worried. We got to the hospital at 6 am and the IV with pitocin was started by 7 am. Then we waited, and waited, and 12 members of our family waited and waited- taking up a large portion of the waiting room :) I was progressing as she expected, though. She decided to break my water around 1 pm and then I really started progressing quicker. I got the epidural around 2:45- which was AMAZING. I'm all for the pain killers. Modern medicine definitely has benefits and I have no problem taking advantage of that :) After the epidural, the rest of the day seemed to go by quickly. The nursing staff changed sometime around 6. My new nurse- named Erin- was super sweet (all the nurses were, but she was my favorite). She was with us from the moment she came on shift until we had baby J and were moved into our postpartum room. Delivery of Jackson went rather smooth. We pushed for about one hour and then he was here! And there are simply no words to describe how amazing it was to finally have our baby in our arms. He weighed 7 lb even- we only expected him to weigh right under 6lb. He measured 20 in long. He was perfect- little cone head and all ;)

I was feeling great and told the doctor I felt much better now that he was here! She informed me that I was not finished- I had forgotten about the placenta needing to come out! That's when we realized there were some complications on my end. I'll spare you all the details, but long story short- it was more serious than we knew at the time. And I am so glad the doctors and nurses did not inform us of how serious it was until the next day. We simply got to enjoy everything about baby J while the doctors were working on me. She told me to push the epidural button for some more medicine before she started working on me, so I was just fine- adoring baby J and Jordan across the room. About 45 minutes later, she had removed the placenta and cord and was finished. She discovered that the placenta and umbilical cord were both abnormal and would sent off for testing. We were immediately worried. The results came back a few days later and it turned out that the placenta was infarcted. We had to Google that one because we had never heard of it before! We also had a followup appointment about it- don't think we solely relied on Google ;) In layman's terms- parts of the placenta were dead. Due to my blood clotting issues, blood channels feeding the placenta had clotted causing parts of it to die. The doctor and nurses were shocked that that placenta, "one this size" (apparently it was small) could support the growth of a baby his size. We knew it was just an answer to many prayers. We learned that after 38 weeks gestation, with a blood clotting disorder, the chances of still birth are much higher. We did not know about the placenta issues before the birth and we are so thankful that everything turned out perfectly.

We were home two days later and we have spent the majority of the last month staring at, holding, hugging, loving, kissing, and rocking baby J- saying a thousand times that we just can't believe he is here, he is ours, and he is so perfect. And baby J has spent his whole, one month life EATING. :) During the first month, he gained about 1 pound a week! :D

Happy 1 Month, baby J!

Likes:
eating
his moose paci
rocking
his swing
riding in the car
white noise
baths
rock and play sleeper

Dislikes:
being hungry
starting to fight going to sleep
restricted leg and arm movement
waking up is so hard :)

weight: 9lb 7 oz
height: 19.5 in--dr office says hospital measures wrong :) ?

Hey, Third Trimester!

Well I forgot to write when we entered the third trimester a few weeks ago! We are now starting week 31 tomorrow! I'm back to a 2 week rotation on Dr appointments, which I love! We just saw Dr. P on Thursday and everything is still looking good! Little J is almost 4 lb! He still does not exactly cooperate for good pictures on the ultrasound so we didn't have any printed that were clear of his face. We are debating whether or not to do the 3D ultrasound. We would like to see him, of course, but we've already had a few early on with the high risk doctor and we don't necessarily want to spend the extra $$. Who knows what we will do!

Dr. P is still saying she doesn't think we will make it to 40 weeks. That's ok with me as long as it isnt TOO early. She is comfortable with week 37, but says 35/36 would be 'okay' but likely NICU time. Let's all pray it isn't week 33 because that is too early and we will be at Peach Valley camp! And who knows, he may stay content in there 'til 40 weeks.

At the appointment last week, she put the strap monitor thing on me for the first time. That was kind of neat and intersting. One thing recorded his heart beat, the other thing recorded any contractions, and I had a button to push anytime he moved- which was alot! We still get such a joy out of seeing/feeling him move.

A little over a week ago, we were on the mission trip with our youth group to a children's home in Oklahoma. The girls in our group also enjoyed feeling Little J move and often stuck their hands to my tummy just in case he did move :) I didn't mind at all- I loved seeing their excitement.

I have, however, found out recently that I do not handle the heat well at all. We went to visit at camp Hensel one night and that's when I realized the heat is no joke. Swelling is real. Also, leg pain is real. XX amount of pounds added in a short time period makes a big difference. Even so, I'll take the swelling, the heat, the leg pain, back pain, and extra weight over and over again with no complaint. People have made comments about how awful summer pregnancy is, how they don't envy me, etc...I just don't see it the same way. I couldn't be happier to be pregnant- even in the hot Texas summer!

This summer has been going by a lot quicker than I had imagined! Of all the youth 'big' events, we only have Peach Valley left! Two weeks until PV, then the next big event for us is BABY J!

We've been working more on his room and almost have it ready. We have a few showers coming up the end of July and after that, we will have more of the items to finish his room. I am definitely in FULL NESTING MODE!

We have failed on bump pictures the last few weeks, due to Jordan's camera diving off a mountain on our last trip (Yosemite). But we have a couple of maternity sessions with friends coming up soon and I am excited for that! I will also include some nursery pics soon :)

How Blessed We Are!

Day #159. It's been 130 days since we found out we were pregnant again. I know I say it in every post, but I just can't believe we are already this far along. Up until about week 10, it seemed like every single day drug on and slowly passed as we were waiting to reach the end of the first trimester, waiting to feel like we were in a safer "zone", and waiting to be able to find the heartbeat at home. Since we have reached the second trimester, days and weeks are flying by and before we know it, Jackson will be in our arms, Lord willing. And I think I have a hard time consistently updating my blog now; just wait until he is here! :)

A LOT has happened in our lives since the last post at 18 weeks. Jordan got to feel Jackson move for the first time on April 9- 18 weeks 6 days. We were driving to our caring group meal that Saturday evening, and as he started moving, I showed Jordan where to put his hand on my tummy and he felt a few nice, strong kicks! At least we call them kicks, I guess they could be punches? That was such an exciting time! We also learned that evening that, in our state, abortion is legal at that point in pregnancy. As we felt Jackson moving around, it was a somber moment realizing that people could and have killed sweet little babies the same age as him. Since then, Jackson is still moving around a lot, Jordan feels him more and more often and several family members have been able to feel him too! He moves throughout the day, and every evening when I lay on the couch we can feel him move. I can't help the smile that spreads across my face each time. Maybe it is coincidental, but sometimes, if I hold my hand on my stomach for a few minutes he will start to move in that spot. I like to think it isn't just a coincidence, but who knows :)

The next week we left for vacation. We had a wonderful time, saw new parts of God's beautiful creation, and enjoyed our time together. I was nervous just about the whole time; I was so worried something would happen to Jackson while we were there- I guess that's what mothers do- worry about their babies. My worry was relieved every day, though, when I would feel him move or listen to his heart beat. We had a doctor's appointment the week we got home and everything is still good! He is still growing, heart still beating, and always moves during an ultrasound. It was both exciting and weird to feel him move and see him move on the screen at the same time. We also had an appointment prior to the trip and still had the doctor's approval to go. She just said one thing, "make sure you don't fall". Because of Jackson, of course, but also because of the blood thinning medication I was on. I wasn't going to do any strenuous hiking, no long distance, no difficult paths, so I didn't think I would fall. Leave it to me- day 1 of vacation, first photo site, flat, wide, short path to see a waterfall meet the ocean and I fell. I am still not really sure what happened other than I lost my balance and could not regain it. It was definitely a slow motion, old person fall which we laugh at now. But at the time, I was terrified and hysterical. I only hit on my knee and hip and arm- on the side, not on my stomach. I found the next bench, sat there and cried. And couldn't stop crying. As if the fall wasn't embarrassing enough! The end of the trail was only about 50 more yards and I refused to go any farther. I told Jordan I would just see the waterfall from his pictures rather than walking any farther. I laid on the bench -the way that I lay in the evenings when he always moves- and prayed and prayed that he would move and prayed that everything was ok. He did end up moving which gave me some relief, but I was still worried. The moment we got to the hotel that night I checked his heart rate and checked it everyday after that. And, everything is fine. I had a scrape and a knot on my knee for the rest of the trip but nothing that hasn't healed by now. Once we felt him move and checked his heartbeat, we began to laugh with relief at the fall and both agreed that we would not tell our mothers until we got home! We knew they would worry the rest of the trip!

Prior to going on our trip, I always research Pinterest for things to do/see at the park we are visiting. I came across the blog of a couple who have had some of the same struggles as us bearing children. Throughout the time they were waiting to become parents, they would also travel to National Parks to get away, hike, camp, relax, etc. Once they got pregnant, they wanted maternity pictures taken at Yosemite. Her pictures were so beautiful! I showed them to Jordan and wanted to take some while we were there- even though we were only at 20 weeks. So, we spent about an hour before supper one evening taking maternity pictures. It was fun and I know we will cherish those pictures forever!

We came back from vacation and hit the ground running! Focal Point started the next week so we had some final prep work to get done that week. And it's always busy returning to work and playing catch up after vacation. We also had a family reunion of sorts (Decoration, for those who know us well :) ) that coming weekend and dear friends who would be our house guests for the week were arriving. We were then hit with the sad but joyful news that Jordan's Pawpaw had finished his race and had gone on to meet the Lord. Plans changed, friends helped, arrangements were made, family gathered, and a time of reminiscing and rejoicing was had. Focal Point began, early mornings, late night, full days, and before we knew it, the week was coming to an end. As we laid Jordan's Pawpaw to rest, I couldn't help but think about the passing of one life and the coming of another. Both joyful, but one a little bittersweet. We have both lost our Pawpaws in 2016. We both were blessed to have grown up with all four of our grandparents living and we wanted our children to be able to know all of our grandparents as well. We pray that Jackson will be blessed to know, love, learn from, and grow up with all four of his grandparents around, and we know that because of our Pawpaws and our other grandparents that we have been blessed with godly parents, faithful families, great memories, and a legacy of Christian service that we pray we will pass down to Jackson. While he won't meet our Pawpaws on this side of eternity, we pray that he will live in such a way that he meets them on the other side and spends an eternity in Heaven with the whole family. How blessed we are with such an opportunity. Let's all take advantage of it.

Week 18!

Is it REALLY 18 weeks already?! It is so hard to believe that this is actually happening and that we are *almost* half way! You have probably wondered sometime in the last 6 weeks where we have been and if I will ever write another blog...sorry! There hasn't been a lot that has gone on over the last 6 weeks. Four weeks ago (at 14 weeks) we had the shortest doctor appointment ever with Dr. P. We went in, listened to the heart, asked "what now?", and then went home. Dr. P told us that everything was looking great, all the reports came in from Dr. Horton (high risk dr) and that now we just treat this as a "normal" pregnancy. We don't really know how to handle normal ;) but we are so thankful to have had good, "normal" check ups. And we love having a doppler at home so we can check on his heartbeat anytime!

The last five weeks have been pretty pleasant. I have not been sick since week 13, so that is nice! I just tire out much quicker than I used to, and I like to sleep, and I really like to eat. Alot. And the scale showed it today :/ but doctor said it was ok!

Today we had a super long appointment with Dr. Horton. We had a full anatomy scan of Jackson and ended up not having to do any blood-work, so that was a bonus! While he did not cooperate well for a good 3D face picture, he was in a great position for the echo part of the ultrasound. We got to watch his heart beating for a long time. Even Jordan and I could clearly see all 4 chambers of his heart pumping away. He is about 10" long, 9 ounces, and has a perfectly beating heart. It was just amazing to watch. We saw 10 fingers and 10 toes, arms and legs, bladder and kidneys, and everything else. We just stared at the screen in excitement and amazement.

Sidenote- I am feeling him move as I type now!)

Once the tech got all the images of Jackson she needed, she had to take some of my cervix. She was so patient and told us everything she was seeing with Jackson, naming all the parts she was checking. Once she got to my cervix she got a little quiet. ---Sometimes, I think knowing more than most people do about what to look for but not knowing as much as doctors do might do more harm than good--- As she quietly continued the ultrasound of the cervix I noticed a large black oval, and I did not think it was supposed to be there. So, I asked what it was. Then she says, "I am just getting some images of the cervix and I will let Doctor talk to you about it." Talk about worry and nerves. So the tech leaves, and we worry and worry some more. Then we get on google...here's some advice- stay off of google for medical advice (I know, duh!) but especially when you are already IN the doctor's office! We would have been better off practicing a little patience rather than trying to find what was wrong ourselves! Dr. Horton comes in and tells us she needs to get some more images so we are going to do another ultrasound. More worry. She starts talking about Jackson and tells us how good everything looks, but she hasn't said anything about this spot! So, I asked her. And turns out, it's no big deal. She says it's just a common cyst; they come and go, nothing to worry about. We literally had ourselves in tears thinking the worst before she came in. Moral of the story: STAY OFF OF GOOGLE! :)

Dr. Horton ended our appointment with some more good news: she has released me from her care and feels confident that I do not need high risk care for the rest of this pregnancy; but she is just a phone call away if anything comes up! Secondly, she says I can stop the daily lovenox injections after the 20th week. I was worried about stopping them just because I am scared to make any changes to what has worked. But she told me today that the injections are a help in the first trimester and at this point, she does not feel that they are doing anything for Jackson. I will continue the baby aspirin and progesterone. I had originally said I would not stop the injections, but the more my tummy grows, the harder it is to do the shots and the more it hurts. So, we have agreed that we are comfortable with stopping after 20 weeks.

Now, I just visit Dr. P every 4 weeks and let little Jackson keep growing! By the way, he is growing a lot! Half of his measurements today measured at 19 weeks, rather than 18 weeks!

We are so blessed and so thankful. We can't wait to hold this little guy!

profile of face

 baby bump!

 

footsie!

12 Weeks!

Moving right along, and we are so very thankful! It's still kind of surreal. We met with the high risk specialist yesterday, Dr. Horton. It's the same office but different doctor from the last pregnancy. We really loved her, though! As she was spending a lot of time with us, explaining all of our options in full, easy to understand detail, we were talking about how we are (or have been in the past) always in the 1%, 3%, 5% category that meant we were receiving bad news. We are so thankful that so far with this pregnancy we have not been in those scary small percentage categories!

Our appointment yesterday went great! Since baby was ready to be busy and move around a lot, we got to watch on the ultrasound screen for what felt like close to 45 minutes, waiting for baby to get in the right positions for certain measurements! We didn't mind at all :) We got to watch baby flip over, moved arms and hands, kick legs, ans wiggle around!We took video of the screen so I will upload that soon. She even took the 3d/4d (? I'm not really sure what it's called) pictures! They said there is no way to tell gender from the ultrasound this early, and that's what we expected her to say.

She says that nothing on the ultrasound gives her any reason to be concerned, and we are waiting on some bloodwork to come back that will give some more verification. And....it will tell us the gender! 

Hopefully those results will be ready next week. Our last pregnancy ended due to a chromosomal abnormality and because of all of the problems we have had in the past, the doctors wanted us to do these additional screenings. We chose to only do the noninvasive ones (ultrasound and bloodwork from me, rather than from placenta) and since the ultrasound looked good, she did not feel that anything invasive was necessary. The doctors know that no matter what results we may have gotten or still may get, we are keeping this sweet baby. Unfortunately, some people use these tests to decide whether or not they want to keep the baby. That has never been a question in our minds.

Everything else is going great. I had a week break from "day/evening sickness" and then it returned in full force last Wednesday and has continued to stick around. I don't mind it; it reassures me in the two week wait between appointments that something is still happening. We did get a fetal heart doppler to have at home. However, we found out two weeks ago that the placenta is anterior  (in front) so that blocks the heartbeat from the doppler and makes it hard to find. I haven't been able to find it at home yet, but they say it may take a few more weeks because of the position of the placenta. From what I read, that will also make it more difficult for me to feel baby moving, so that may be delayed from what's "normal". But, it isn't anything bad or dangerous so it's not a big deal :)

Here are some pictures from yesterday! Baby is laid back and hanging out in one. :) And thank you for the continued prayers!

Week 9!

I have had several requests for updates on the pregnancy, so I figured I could go ahead and write about it here! I will continue to post updates on the blog, but I will not be sharing all of them to facebook. We have friends who have been going through the same struggles as we have over the past few years, and we know that pregnancy announcements and updates are hard to see. So, we welcome you to check back at the blog every now and then for an update. We may share a couple of 'big' updates via facebook. :)

Today we have reached 9 weeks 3 days! We have already seen so many milestones, for us, anyway! With each appointment, we go in with excitement, fear, hope, and anxiety. My doctor is amazing and will see me anytime I need to. I already have many more ultrasound pictures than most do at only 9 weeks! I have welcomed all the sickness and fatigue and have been taking short and easy days at work. Maybe we're crazy, but every time I throw up, Jordan and I grin and giggle- giddy with excitement that symptoms are still around. In fact, between week 6 and 7, I started feeling pretty good and the nausea had faded quite a bit. I got so nervous that I called the doctor and she saw me the next day, did an ultrasound, and everything was fine! I have been seeing her every 1.5-2 weeks so far. My next appointment is with the Maternal Fetal Specialist (the high risk doctor I have  been referring to) and that is not until February 22! My longest wait in between appointments yet! As long as there are no reasons for concern between now and then, I am going to try not to worry myself enough to have to schedule another ultrasound! Doctor suggested we order a fetal heart doppler, so that has been ordered and we're waiting for it to arrive. I know it is too early for us to use right now, but maybe before the 22nd we will be able to hear the heart beat at home. But, I have read they can be tricky, so I am telling myself that if we don't hear the heartbeat at home, it is probably because I am using the machine wrong!

As far as sickness goes, my mornings are usually pretty good, late afternoon and evening are what get me. Also, we have learned that I get most sick when we travel. I am still trekking along with the medication plan- 400 mg Progesterone, baby aspirin, special prenatal, and Lovenox injections. We're thankful that we found out about the baby just at the end of last year, because we got one month of prescriptions on my old insurance. Thanks to more insurance changes, the price of my medication for the baby is now 6x more expensive per month than it was last year. As frustrating as the insurance part is, we don't complain- we are so happy to have a reason to buy the medication. And on the bright side- I have already reached my deductible for the year!! 

I'm excited to admit that I already have a mini bump! My mother in law had found some maternity pants at Goodwill and I love them! I'm wondering why all pants aren't made this way?? At this point, I don't want anything tight touching my tummy- my mom says she was the same way. 

In the midst of all the excitement, we had a some sad news last week. After 90 years, my Pawpaw passed from this life. I so badly wanted our kids to know him and Nanaw. We know that our first two babies are in paradise with Nanaw and Pawpaw, and we like to think that they've already met and are having the best time. 

Since we had already taken off work 3 days for the funeral, Jordan didn't feel like he should ask off again, so I took our moms with me to the doctor appointment yesterday. An ultrasound wasn't planned, but I asked for one so they could see. It was going to be an additional charge, but I had some spotting yesterday morning, so that gave a medical "reason" for an ultrasound and I didn't have to pay any extra! I have read a lot about women on lovenox having some spotting throughout the pregnancy. I also had slight change in progesterone pills the night before, and I have been told any change in that could cause some spotting. I still don't like to see that- but was comforted to see that all was fine! While the moms were there, the baby moved for us during the ultrasound! It was so exciting to see the movement, the growth, and the development! We even got a video of the baby moving! -see below-

We have been so humbled and so blessed by all of your support and prayers. Reading the comments from so many has brought us to tears! 'Thank you' just doesn't seem like enough to say!

Click HERE to see the video!

We're Pregnant!

When we go on hiking trips one of the top suggestions from the ranger station is to hike in groups of three or more. It has always just been the two of us on our trips in the past, but for our upcoming trip in April, Lord willing, there will be three! I don't think the National Parks Service had "baby in the womb" in mind for making the group of three, but we will call it three! No, we won't be doing any strenuous, long, or back country hikes this trip, but we do plan for a few short day hikes- with doctor approval. ;)

So, we're pregnant! 7 weeks and 2 days. The due date is September 4, and so far everything is looking great! On January 4, I had my first ever ultrasound with good results. We were so nervous because every other ultrasound I have ever had has given reason for concern, shown problems, confirmed heartbreak. But on January 4, January 8, and January 12, we had good ultrasounds! On January 8 and January 12 we were able to see the baby's heartbeat- a first for us!

After the last miscarriage, we were able to do a LOT of bloodwork and more testing. Doctors discovered two more problems- inability to break down folic acid and a blood clotting disorder. Folic acid is vital for egg quality and baby development but my body doesn't accept it so I needed a different form- folate. Secondly, my blood is, apparently, too thick to get through the little veins/vessels that get to the baby- so I needed a blood thinner. I have been taking a different vitamin with folate, rather than folic acid for several months and since the day after we found out about this pregnancy, I have been giving myself blood thinner injections in my stomach daily. Along with baby aspirin and progesterone daily. The doctor has told me there is no medication that I could be taking that I am not currently taking...in other words, we are doing everything we can at this point. +a lot of prayer...

Everything seems to be working as it should- blood levels are great, measurements are great, heart rate is great...and in our book, morning/all day/evening sickness is even great! In fact, if I find myself feeling good at any point in the day, I start to get worried...I'm not over thinking this at all... ;) (yeah right!)

Many of you are probably thinking "only 7 weeks and they're already sharing the news?" Let us explain a little bit. I used to say that I would, under no circumstances, share this news until we had moved into the second trimester. I understand that thought process and if that is what works for you, then that's great. For us, we have learned more than we knew, experienced things we wished we hadn't, and changed our thought process about what works for us. Never say never, right? :) First of all, we believe that life begins at conception. So, yes, our 7 week, raspberry sized, tadpole looking, heartbeating baby is a baby and is a life and we have chosen to celebrate that. Secondly, due to our past experiences, our opportunity to celebrate, share, and give thanks has been cut short. We are hopeful and confident that our God can (and praying He will) let this baby continue to grow, but we want to celebrate and enjoy every minute of this experience and that includes sharing with our friends and family. Three years waiting, two babies lost, countless prayers later, we are pregnant and are thrilled and so very thankful. We hope you understand our decision to share our news a little earlier than the "norm".

Current plan: I go back to my local OB during the 8th week for a check up If all is still good, I will meet with the high risk specialist at 10 weeks for more testing and to start a plan since this is a high risk pregnancy. For now, I stay on track with all the medications, and a lot of rest. She doesn't want me on my feet or walking around much until we get to 14 weeks. As tired and nauseous as I have been feeling, I don't mind the shorter work days and longer nights one bit!

What about the Adoption?
     We are still going to adopt! However, right now our profile is "on hold" with the agency. The adoption agency has a policy stating that a couple cannot be on the list while pregnant. If we happen to lose this baby, the agency will put us back on the list once they feel that we have had time to grieve. If God blesses us with a healthy pregnancy and we get to meet this baby, the agency will allow us to return to list after the baby is 6 months old. We can choose at what time we will be added back to the list, but it cannot be sooner than 6 months after the birth. All of the money that has been raised/donated for the adoption is a separate adoption account and will only be used toward the adoption. All money that has already been paid to the agency will just be held along with our profile.

Please be praying for our little raspberry sized baby to continue to grow and for a healthy pregnancy. We want nothing more than to love, meet, hold, and raise this little baby. <3

Why Isn't God Answering My Prayers?

Have you ever spent a large amount of time praying for the same thing? Maybe you've been praying every day for a month, or six months, or an entire year, or maybe every day for three years, yet God still hasn’t “answered” your prayer? Maybe you've been praying for the health of a loved one, or a financial burden, or a new job, or a spouse, or maybe you, like me, have been praying earnestly for a sweet baby. So, you’ve prayed. And prayed. And prayed. And you’ve asked others to pray. And you’ve prayed believing that God can bless you with what you are asking, and you know that He is able; yet, it still isn’t happening for you. It’s happening for others; God is blessing others with the exact thing for which you’ve been pouring your heart out begging, but not you. When we pray for something for so long and the things we have been asking for aren't happening, it is easy to get discouraged and to start having questions:

‘what’s wrong with me?’, ‘what’s wrong with my prayers?’, ‘am I praying wrong?’, 

'why isn't God answering my prayers?', 'why am I even still praying?' 

Here are three things to consider when it seems that God isn't answering our prayers:

1-     We have to remember that prayer is not simply a wish list that we give to God. It's not simply a list of things that He is supposed to fulfill at our every desire. So we ask the question: What is prayer? Prayer is approaching the throne of God with thanksgiving. Prayer is casting all of our cares on Him. Prayer is praising God, our Father. Prayer is falling to our knees in supplication to the Father. Prayer is comforting, calming, reassuring, and commanded.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:6

Where does this peace come from? The "peace that surpasses all understanding" is not a peace that is contingent simply on God fulfilling your prayer wish list. It is a peace that covers every area of your life; it is a peace that can only be found by fully depending upon, trusting in, and committing your life unto God. A peace that says, "Whatever God wills..."

2-    Another thing to remember is that our timeline is not God’s timeline. Maybe He will eventually say ‘yes’ to the things we are asking for in prayer, but maybe He won’t. And if not, He is still good. We need to be persistent in prayer, keep praying for the things we are praying for and be faithful and confident that God hears the prayers of the righteous. (Col. 4:2)

We need not to lose heart while we wait. It is easy to fall into the trap of losing faith in the power of prayer. Ashamedly, I admit that when I have been told by someone that they are praying fervently for us, I have, at times, both said and thought, ‘well, it’s not doing any good.’ Or when someone says ‘God has answered our prayers’ I have thought, ‘why your prayers and not mine?’. What a terrible attitude. I don’t write these things because I am proud of my spiritual struggles, but I write them to let others know that we aren’t expected to be strong all the time. While unwavering spiritual strength should be our goal, we need to remember we are human. People have commented that I have handled our situation very well and that I have been so strong. But at times, I really am not. I want other people who are struggling to realize that they aren’t the only ones having a hard time accepting what God has or has not given them. But I want to encourage others and ask others to encourage me to continue in prayer and to believe in the power of prayer. After such a long time of begging, it is easy to just give up.  

“The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” James 5:16.

“For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers…” 1Pet. 3:12

3-   Lastly, we must remember that our plans are not God’s plans. Maybe our plans are somewhere on His timeline; but maybe they aren’t. Maybe He has completely different plans for us. We need to remember to fully trust in God and the plans He has made, even when we don’t know what those plans are. We do know that it is in His plan for us to help others, teach others, and glorify Him in all that we do. So, for me, if that means I have an opportunity to teach others and to glorify God through our struggles in bearing children, then I better do my best and find contentment in doing so. We do know some of His plan; we know He has Heaven planned for us and He desires that all mankind should enter into eternity with Him- what better plan could we have than that?!

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us…UNTO HIM BE GLORY IN THE CHURCH AND IN CHRIST JESUS THROUGHOUT ALL GENERATIONS, FOREVER AND EVER.” Eph. 3:20

If you are interested in an in-depth study of prayer, I encourage you to check out the Bible Marking post on Prayer at Come Fill Your Cup. 

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Adoption Update:

We have been on the list now for 1 month and 12 days. People ask when we think we will hear something, but we really have absolutely no idea. I don't have much of an update for you, since nothing is happening, so I will jump right into the currently popular questions...

1- Do you get to name the baby?
     Short answer- yes. Long answer.... We will discuss this when we have a match meeting with the birth mother once we are chosen. Sometimes the birth mother wants to give the baby a name, sometimes she goes with the name the adoptive parents have chosen, and sometimes they decide together. If the birth mother wants to pick the name, we can always have the name changed on the birth certificate. The last name will be changed when the adoption is finalized anyway, about 6 months after the baby is born. Of course this will be decided upon at the match meeting. Do we have names picked out? YES and we love them! With my addiction to planning, you shouldn't be surprised to know that we've have the names picked out for a while; the girl name has been picked for about 5 years and the boy name was decided upon earlier this year. Emmalyn Grace and Jackson Grady are the names we have picked and we can't wait to meet and hold and love and raise him or her! Ever wonder why we choose the names we do for sample baby monogrammed items at our store? Now you know! :)

2- What if you get a call for a baby tomorrow- are you ready?
     Um, YES we are ready. We have been ready and waiting for three years! Now, is our house ready....no, not exactly. But we really aren't concerned about that at all. We do have a boy crib and a girl crib, but that is about it. In most situations, after a call is received for a match, we will likely have a month or two before the birth of the baby. Of course, it could be a situation in which the baby was just born and we pick him/her up within a couple of days, but that is not very common. And if so, then that's great too. As far as nurseries go, we (or I) :) have had decorations and fabrics picked out for a long time. So, once we know if it is a boy or a girl, I wouldn't be surprised if we had that nursery completed in a couple of weeks! :)


If you ordered an adoption t-shirt, first of all THANK YOU! Second, they are ready! We have mailed several out and handed out most of them, but if you have not received yours, you can contact us or we will contact you to figure out a time to get it to you.

Thanks for keeping up with our slow moving journey to becoming parents!

When God Finds Us You

One year ago. It's been a whole year, today, since we found out we were pregnant with our first child. I can remember that day so clearly. Waking up, us deciding I should take a test- I wasn't sure I wanted to for fear of seeing another "not pregnant". The shock and disbelief that the test actually said "pregnant". Calling my doctor, getting blood work drawn, stopping at Target to buy another test and taking it in the Target bathroom because I wasn't patient enough to wait until I got home to check again. The pure joy, excitement, and gratitude I felt I day long- like I was in a dream, I kept having to remind myself that it was real- after almost two years, we really were pregnant. The next few days were great. Sharing the news with our parents, thinking about the future, scheduling doctor appointments, anticipating ultrasounds. Then the bleeding began that Tuesday. The next couple of weeks were a blur as we had several appointments, ultrasounds, and said lots of prayers. By the end of October we had lost our first child. And here we are, an entire year later (and four months past our second miscarriage). I didn't know how or if I would ever be 'ok' again. If you are going through a miscarriage, I assure you, it does get easier. It's not quick, in fact it takes a long time, but life does get better. It won't be the same as it was before, you are forever changed, but you will laugh again, and you will smile again, and you will be able to function again- just give it time. I remember 'the day' that I knew I was going to be 'ok'. I don't remember exactly how long it took- a few months- but I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I realized, "Wow, I'm 'ok' today. I actually feel happy again." It caught me off guard, I even felt guilty, but I felt happy again. You may be wondering how you will ever get there. My top suggestions are prayer, lots of prayer, open up and let others help you, grieve your loss, read your Bible and read your Bible some more, do/buy something to memorialize your child (a charm, plant a tree, a memory book, etc)- it's something tangible you can hold on to, be honest with your emotions and work through them.

Now we are expecting a child through adoption. We don't know when or from where the child will come (other than we know it is a domestic adoption). The uncertainty is the hardest part for me. I want to have a date, a countdown, something that is certain. But the fact is, there is nothing certain about this process until the baby is born, the birth mother signs the release, and then the court date is passed and the child is legally ours. We are a long ways away from that!

Since I don't have much else to do on our end of the adoption process, I made the first purchase for our future baby last week. :) I ordered a book from Amazon call "God Found Us You", and it came in yesterday! It is a very sweet, tear-jerking story that I highly recommend if you are looking for a special gift to give someone who is adopting. I can't wait to have a sweet baby to read it to. I also purchased an Adoption Journal- it is kind of what I expected, but not exactly what I was looking for. I was hoping to find something like the pregnancy journals I had started during the last two pregnancies- but this is more of a baby book kind of thing. They have about 2-3" of space to write under the "Waiting" category---of course it would be great if that little space would cover all the time we have already and will continue to wait, but it won't! I still plan to use the book, but I am still searching for something a little different.

"For so long, I dreamed of you," she said. 

"Bout me?"

"About you. I dreamed of how you would look, smell, even what you would sound like. And every day I thought of how wonderful it would be to hold you in my arms......Oh, how I longed for the day that you would arrive. When God would find us you."

"And then I came?"

"Oh, no. No matter how much I prayed it would happen, I still had to wait."

"You waited and waited and waited?"

"And waited. But I knew that someday you'd arrive, when God would find us you."

"It made it hard to see other mamas with their children," she said, like she was telling a secret. 

"You were lonely for me?"

"Very. I could not wait until the day you'd come home, the day God would find us you."

........

"When God found us you," Mama Fox whispered, "you made me the happiest mama in the world."

Adoption is so much like the relationship we have with God. When we are lost, He wants us so badly to come home, to find Him. And as much as He wants that for each of us, although He could because He is all powerful, He doesn't make us come. He waits and waits and sometimes waits some more, lonely for each of us to be part of His family. And when we find God, follow His commands and are added to His family, it makes Him the "happiest Father in the world".  

"See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God..."

1 John 3:1

How deep the Father’s love for us,

How vast beyond all measure,

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss -

The Father turns His face away,

As wounds which mar the Chosen One

Bring many sons to glory.

Behold the man upon a cross,

My sin upon His shoulders;

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished;

His dying breath has brought me life -

I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything,

No gifts, no power, no wisdom;

But I will boast in Jesus Christ,

His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer;

But this I know with all my heart -

His wounds have paid my ransom.

Stuart Townend

So, a little bit of an update for you-

Our part of the home study is complete! I have mailed the photo albums, our birth mother letter will be completed and ready to go this weekend, and our case workers says she needs a couple of more weeks to finish typing up our home study. THEN, we will be on the list. We were hoping for the beginning of October, but now it is looking like the beginning of November.

Of course I don't like the waiting part- even though it seems like we should be good at it by now- but I think it is going to get a little harder for me now. While completing paperwork, sending in forms, working on the photo album, etc I have had something to do. I have known I was doing something to get us closer to having a child in our arms. But now, our part is just about complete and there is nothing else to do but wait. We are still praying our wait will be a short one.

The most asked question lately has been "Is this an open adoption?" The short answer is 'Yes'.
All domestic adoptions (at least in Texas, not including CPS situations) are now 'open', unless the birth mother refuses contact. A lot has to do with her decisions and preferences. To be honest, at first we were thinking what a lot of you are probably thinking. We were not crazy about the idea of an open adoption, we feared that the mother would try to take the baby away, we wanted our baby to ourselves and didn't want to share. However, we have learned a lot about the relationships in an open adoption since we began this process and we are totally comfortable with it now. The amount of contact will be discussed and agreed upon between us and the birth mother. She may not want any contact, and she may want a lot of contact. The case worker will help us in determining what is realistic and healthy. We had the opportunity to ask these questions of birth mothers who had place their babies for adoption.

-Did you ever want to try to take your baby back from the adoptive parents? They all three immediately said never. They said they would never want to do anything to jeopardize or harm the home and relationships their child had with their adoptive parents. They told us to remember that they placed their child for adoption out of love, because they wanted something better for their child than they could provide at the time. -This was very comforting and eye opening for us.
-They tell us to send pictures and updates to the birth mother. At what point does this become like we are rubbing it in your face that we get to raise your child; when is it too much? Again, they all agreed there is never too much. Of course, this depends on the birth mother and that will be something discussed in the match meeting. But, at least for the first several months, the birth mothers said they enjoyed getting texts and pictures weekly or a few times a month. As the child gets older, our case workers said it usually turns into a couple of updates each year. Some birth mothers and adoptive parents have very close relationships where they see each other fairly often. Some don't see each other at all.

We will be open with our child about the fact that he/she was adopted whether the birth mother is involved or not. We believe it is easier on the child for he/she to have "always known" they were adopted than it is for them to just find out one day when they are older. Of course, we will make the decision as to at what age we explain all the details but we don't plan to keep it a secret like it is something bad. We hope to have a relationship with the birth mother that will be beneficial for her, the child, and us. We will possibly have an opportunity to minister to her and we have been praying that we do so well. The adoption agency told us of a story when an adoptive father called the agency to tell them the best news. The agency thought he would say something along the lines of their baby saying "Daddy" or taking his first steps, but the adoptive father told the agency that he had just baptized the birth mother of their baby. What a heart warming experience.

Please continue to remember us in your prayers, as well as the birth mother. <3

Homestudy Underway

We have been overwhelmed, humbled, and blessed by the amount of support that has been shown to us over the past few weeks since we announced that we had started the adoption process. We are so thankful for each of you, the prayers you have been offering, and the support you have shown. My plan is to keep the "story" of our adoption process as up to date as possible here on the blog. There will likely be times when there is nothing to write because we are simply waiting. It was mentioned a few days ago that "now the waiting begins". And that is true, in a sense, but in reality, we've already been waiting! I've been waiting most of my life to be a mom, we have been waiting for nearly three years to have children, and now we begin a new wait- waiting for a match.

We've experienced a whole range of emotions over the past 6 weeks. Anticipation about the orientation weekend and meeting the agency. Stress and guilt and deep consideration while filling out form after form (52 forms to be exact). Worry and concern about how we are actually going to come up with $30,000- and, what if we are never able to have biological children; we wanted a large family, how will we be able to adopt 2-3 more times? Failure, because of my inability to carry our children. Insecurity when there are pregnant women and/or moms all around but I am the only one around who can't carry my baby to term. Excitement about providing a loving, Christian home for a child in need. Uncertainty about whether or not the baby will form a bond with me as its Mommy when he/she did not grow in my tummy. Nervousness about the home-study and interview process. Disbelief that this journey has actually begun. Fear about the possibility of a failed placement. Sobriety and joy about the opportunity we may have to minister to the birth mother. Humility from the support shown by friends, family, and even people whom we do not know. Admiration for the birth mothers who selflessly choose a better life for their babies.

Throughout the past six weeks as we have faced some of these emotions, we have seen our Lord work through others by providing support (financially and spiritually), by lending an ear to listen, by showing their excitement and interest. And we know that the Lord is able to provide and take care of us when we face each one of these emotions- whether they be difficult or easy. Pslam 27 has been a go-to read for me lately-

vs. 4- One thing I have desired of the Lord, that will I seek:            {narrow my focus}
          that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,    {commune often with God}
          to behold the beauty of the Lord,                                             {focus on God & His beauty}
          and to inquire in His temple.                                           {seek an answer for my problems}

vs. 13-14 - "I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord. Be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord!"

So, where are we in this process? We are so close to being on "the list"! All of our paperwork is complete and we began the home-study last week. Oddly enough, we started the home-study in Abilene- which is not home. :) We spent 3 hours in an interview with our case worker- one hour together, and about one hour each individually. She will come to our house on the 23rd to complete the home study by checking out our house and finishing up some more questions. Thankfully, our agency does not require us to "baby-proof" the house for the home-study. The only thing we will have to change around the house for the home-study is to have our firearms and ammo locked up separately. Other than that, she basically wants to make sure our house is a safe environment for a child. Once the home-study is complete, we will then be put on the list (hopefully by the beginning of October). The agency tells us the wait time for a child is an average of 12-24 months. However, there is no set time. This is not a first come, first served kind of thing. When a birth mother gets to a certain point in her pregnancy (6-7 months) the agency will show her profiles of families who could potentially "match" her case (based on medical history, age, race, etc). The birth mother will then look at the profiles consisting of a photo album, a letter written to the birth mother from the adoptive families, autobiographies, and basic information (jobs, ages, religion, etc). Once the birth mother chooses a family, a match meeting is set up for the birth mother and adoptive family to meet, along with the case worker. If the meeting goes well and we are chosen, then we have a match! So, the wait really is just dependent on how quickly we get chosen by a birth mother.

What's next after we get a match? A lot will depend on the birth mother, how far along she is in the pregnancy, and what her preferences are. If the birth mother is open to it, we will get to go to ultrasound appointments prior to the birth! We will have a short amount of time to get the nursery ready, but I'm not worried at all about that- I've had a boy nursery and a girl nursery planned for several years now :) Unless we get matched with a "drop in" (a birth mother who has not decided to place her baby for adoption prior to the birth and it is a last minute decision), we should be able to be at the hospital for the birth. Some hospitals give the adoptive parents a room but some don't. Once the baby is born, the state of Texas does not allow the birth mother to sign her rights away until 48 hours after the birth. So, those 48 hours will be very nerve-wracking, as the birth mother can change her mind and decide to keep the baby (this is called a failed placement). Once the 48 hours has passed and she has signed her rights away, we get to take our baby home (if he/she is healthy enough to leave the hospital at that time)! If the birth father did not sign his rights away prior to the birth, he will have 30 days after the birth to come forward and claim his child. After the 30 days have passed, he no longer has parental rights to the baby. Most birth fathers sign their rights away prior to the birth. The baby will legally be under the custody of the agency until our court date and all the legal paperwork is complete. This usually takes about 6 months.

For those who are interested, we are doing a t-shirt fundraiser! We are asking for pre-orders to be in by Saturday, September 19th. Here is a link where you an see and purchase the shirts.
http://www.jmooreoutdoor.com/Adoption-TShirt-Fundraiser

Please continue to pray for us, our future child, and the birth mother!

A Pregnancy on Paper!

A few weekends ago, Jordan and I went out of town and spent some time in Canton- shopping. We also, however, spent the majority of the weekend at an Adoption Orientation. When people asked where we we going, we simply said "Canton". We just weren't ready to share about our decision to adopt. We wanted to go through the orientation, learn more about the agency we had chosen, become more educated about the adoption journey, and have time to process everything ourselves before we felt we could share with everyone. We trust that everyone will be understanding about that decision.

There are hours upon hours worth of information I could share with you about the adoption orientation- and at some point, I likely will share a lot of it. But for now, I want to share a small bit that I think and hope will help others understand our position a little better. 

There were many different aspects, categories, and topics discussed over the weekend- all of which were highly beneficial and educational. But, one of the most eye opening things for me was hearing the panel of birth mothers and the panel of adoptive families speak. During the adoptive parent panel, we had the opportunity to ask questions. 

One question Jordan asked was this, "Tell us about your experience in transitioning from struggling with infertility to the decision to adopt." Many people have different views on adoption. After a miscarriage or a long struggle with infertility, someone may say "just adopt, then you will get pregnant". I have come to learn that people (mostly) really do mean well, but statements like these just aren't comforting for so many reasons. After a miscarriage, you don't want to 'just adopt'. You wanted that baby. You wanted your baby. The baby that had begun to grow inside of your tummy- not just any baby. Adopting a child has always been something I wanted to do. I can't remember exactly when I decided that, but I know it was before I was married. As I have mentioned before, I had a plan for my life. Part of that plan was to have 2-3 biological children, then adopt a baby. I also planned to get pregnant within a couple of months of trying to conceive. It seems logical to think that after several months, year #1, or at least year #2, one would fully realize that she is really not in control of when or if she will ever conceive or carry a child to term; however, that is not always the case. Medical advancements are wonderful and amazing tools that help our health in so many ways. But, it doesn't always help our souls. There has been so much research done and so many discoveries made in medicine, especially the female reproductive system, and there are so many options for treatments. Doctors have discovered that if we test this and test that and prescribe this pill or that hormone injection, check this temperature or that mucus on these certain days then we will get it figured out! We will track everything for everyday of each month and make adjustments that next month and it'll work. And sometimes it does work! Probably more often than not. But sometimes, it doesn't. In the midst of all the medications, appointments, lifestyle changes, charting, etc you begin to feel like you are in control of what is happening. 

"If I forget a progesterone pill the lining of my uterus may be too thin to hold a pregnancy"- I'm in control of that. 

"The ultrasound series this month showed that my eggs did not grow to a mature enough size, so next month we will change up the Femara or the Clomid prescription to fix it."- I'm in control of that.

"I have to be diligent with my charting everyday because it will give us answers as to what is wrong and how we can fix it." - I'm in control of that.

With many, many more responsibilities, it is easy to believe that every move you make- or don't make is solely determining whether or not you conceive or carry your baby to term- or not. Talk about a HUGE weight on your shoulders. It is easy to forget that God is in control. And, it is very difficult to let go of that 'control' that you think you have. When the discussion that weekend took place about transferring your mindset from trying to conceive to adoption, a few comments stuck out in my mind. One of the couples made the suggestion that you have to really be "okay" with the fact that you very well may never have biological children. You have to be at peace with that before you can change paths onto the adoption journey. And I really believe we are there. Adopting is something that we have been discussing for a couple of years now. We began the process in April of this year. We have prayed about these decisions for years. Whether or not we ever have biological children, we are thankful that God is providing this opportunity for us to minister to a child in need and his/her birth mother. 

Another comment that stuck with me was this: "An adopted child is not just a consolation prize." Although I have always wanted to adopt a child, I had planned to have biological children first and then adopt a child. I wanted both. In our day, you can pretty much achieve whatever you put your mind to. "If you believe it, you can do it". This is how I felt about having children. But after nearly 3 years of trying to have children, losing two, and seeing family after family around us have child after child, it is easy to feel like a failure. We believed, we prayed, and prayed and prayed, we did everything the doctors suggested day after day after day- but it STILL didn't work! So, we decided that if we wanted to be parents, we would need to adopt. Even though we had wanted to anyway and had planned to even if we did have biological children, for me, it just felt a little different when we began the process. To be perfectly honest, it felt like we were going to get a consolation prize. But after more prayer, thoughtful consideration and after seeing and listening to these families who have already adopted (some also having biological children), I know that that is absolutely not the case. No child is simply a consolation prize. Psalm 127:3, "children are a heritage from the Lord..." Children are from the Lord, they belong to Him. A biological child is no more mine than an adopted child- both are from the Lord, both are equally loved by the Lord, and both- if we ever have both- will be equally loved by us. 

We are so excited to begin this journey! A quantifiable measure of our excitement is evidenced in the fact that we have completed over 50 forms and documents in the last 2 weeks. And we're just beginning with the paperwork... The agency likes to call this a "Pregnancy on Paper"; we just don't know how long the "pregnancy" will last! I know there will be many questions from many people, but please bear with us as we are still processing all of the specifics and requirements ourselves. Number 1 question will likely be "how long?". There is no exact answer to that question. Once we have our home study completed (likely by the end of September), the agency says an average of 12-24 months to wait. Trust us, we know that seems like forever, please don't remind us! :) But, we know that each day we are one day closer to adopting, one day closer to meeting our babies in Heaven, and one day closer to spending eternity with our Lord! 

As we take steps through this process, I will be updating the blog. Please check here if you are seeking updates. Please also, continue to pray for us- for patience, for a smooth adoption process, for a quick process, and that we will be the parents the Lord would have us to be.

If interested, you can find information about our agency of choice, Christian Homes and Family Services at www.christianhomes.com 

What to Expect When No Longer Expecting

     June 8th, 2015. A day that was once anticipated with great excitement. A date that is forever ingrained into my memory. A day that I became nervous and anxious about. The day that was the expected due date of our first child. You see, the expected due date is just that- expected- there are no guarantees. Some babies comes early, some babies come late, some babies don't come at all. And for parents like us, the expected due date is all we have. As I sit at home this morning, preparing to go to work, I can't help but think about the "what should have been." There is no hospital bag packed; no carseat in the car. There is no decorated nursery; no baby clothes sorted by size in the closet. There is no feeling of excitement or anticipation; no one waiting for a phone call to say "it's time". Just a pregnancy journal that is lacking details from the second and third trimesters, sweet cards from friends and family, and silence and stillness in this house.
    Facebook reminded me this morning of what happened on June 8, 2010. It was a day full of excitement and love. Family was in town, wedding planning was in full swing, and I had a lovely bridal shower in Dripping Springs that day. Life was busy and exciting. New adventures coming up, plans for our life together being made. One of those being plans to be married for 1-2 years then start a family. Looking back at those pictures this morning, I can remember that day very clearly, I never would have guessed that 5 years later we would not be expecting to meet our first child on the expected due date. Even more so, I would not have expected to be preparing for, not the birth of our first child, but the miscarriage of our second child.
     The last time I posted a blog was November 24 when we shared with you all the news of our first pregnancy and loss. That was a very difficult, helpless, lost, angry, and hurtful time for us. It has been a long, trying, roller-coaster, pill taking, injection giving, test taking, blood giving, doctor visiting 2.5 years of trying to become parents. In the past 9 months we have lost our 2 only children before we even got to meet them. But, in the past 7 months, since we have opened up to our family and friends about our struggles, we have been shown more love, concern, compassion, and care than we could have ever imagined. Our faith has grown, our hearts have been touched, our hands have been held up (Exodus 17), and the Lord has blessed us. He has blessed us with children who we will meet some day in Heaven. He has blessed us with physical families that love us and care for us. He has blessed us with a spiritual family, both locally and around the world, who have taken our names and burdens before the His throne in prayer (James 5). He has blessed us with each other and a marriage that grows stronger through our struggles (James 1). He has blessed us with broken hearts that have learned to find our strength in Him (Psalm 34:18). He has blessed us with a new opportunity to work with the youth in our local congregation; an opportunity that has already and will bring us great joy. He has blessed us with a Savior who walked this earth, was tempted in every way, who hurts when we hurt, and who loves us enough to have given His life so our souls could have the chance to be with Him in eternity.
     Not expecting the expected... The word expected is defined as: regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or coming of. I always feared that I may have trouble becoming a mother. I am not sure if I "just knew" something was not right with how my body was functioning, or if the fear was just there because being a mother was something I have always wanted so badly; something I dreamed of, something I anticipated, something I expected. It is a weird feeling to not only "not expect" but to know that we will not meet our baby on the expected due date and to also know that we will not meet our first two children until we pass from this life. People expect to become parents, raise their children, spend a lifetime together, and then to pass from this life before their children do. Maybe, sometimes, our own expectations are a dangerous thing that lead us to hurt and heartache. Maybe we should put more time and effort into finding out what God's expectations for our lives are and strive to fulfill those expectations. Then, when the time comes for our lives on this earth to end, we can be at peace, not just expecting that we will spend eternity in Heaven, but knowing that because of our Savior, His sacrifice, and our commitment to obeying Him, we will spend eternity in Heaven.
     God is good, all the time. And all the time, even when things don't go as we would expect, God is still good.