A New Perspective

Well, here we are, 8 months post surgery. I wish I could be writing about some positive news-in regards to infertility- but it simply doesn't exist right now. We have spent the last several months trying this medication and that medication, sticking to the diet, sticking to the charting, monthly blood draws, monthly check ups, and frequent ultrasounds. 2 months on Clomid, 1 month Femara, I have lost count of the months on Progesterone and the other 2 supplements. It is safe to say I am tired of swallowing pills! I say "we" rather than "I" because my husband has been there every step of the way. And with each medication and side effects, he experiences it too. Definitely different side effects than I have, but he experiences the mood changes, the tears, the frustration, the anger, and the feeling of helplessness. Dr. J has decided to take this month off as far as ovulation medication goes. No Clomid, no Femara. My body has not reacted well to either medication so we are taking a month off. After this months blood draws, she will decide what is next. I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I feel like we are wasting another month in trying to conceive. If I don't ovulate with the medication, I am highly doubtful that I will ovulate without it. On the other hand, a break is probably what is best for me right now. In fact, sometimes I think taking a break from all of it would be nice. It sounds like it should be simple; takes some pills, watch what you eat, and chart. However, it is exhausting, mentally and emotionally. There is so much more than popping pills, paleo, and charting. For example, as I am writing this my head is pounding. Just take some Advil, right? No. I can't take Advil (or any NSAIDs) because it can effect ovulation. Living in the Texas Hill Country, I struggle with seasonal allergies. Take some Allegra? Nope. It dries up the mucus membranes, including cervical mucus which is necessary for conception. Those are just a couple of examples- I will spare you any more. It seems that any thing I do, or don't do, in every aspect of my life can effect our chance to have a child. Talk about stressful. Wait, I can't be stressed- that also effects ovulation. So, why don't I quit work, stay home, eat fruits and veggies and some meat, drink water, pop pills, and take notes every time I use the restroom. Wait, we spend way too much money on all of this to be able to quit work. (Side note- I love my job and we have been working hard over the past few months to lower my responsibilities and stress.) So, I say all that to say this: I have felt drained, defeated, depressed, and discouraged for quite some time.
The last two Sunday mornings, we have had sermons based on the victory we have in Jesus. These lessons have helped me realize that I often lose sight of that victory. As my life revolves around the struggles of infertility, I find that the little free time I have is consumed with things related to this struggle. I would be much better suited if I spent this free time in Bible study, prayer, and keeping busy with things that make me smile. I put so much trust into what the Dr. says - and I should, she is a talented, knowledgeable, and sincere doctor- but much more trust I should put in God. No, God doesn't promise me that I will have children. But He does promise me that if I only ask, He will give me the wisdom to get through this trial (James 1:5-6). He does not promise that it will be easy, He does not promise that it won't hurt, he does not promise that I will "beat" infertility. But He does promise that if we follow His Word, we are more than conquerors through Jesus (Romans 8:37). Christ has already won the victory for us, if we are in Him. I try to remember that eternity is all that matters. What I do here effects where I will be for eternity, but as far as salvation goes, having a child is not a prerequisite. "He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son." Revelation 21:7. What does "all things" entail? I don't know. But I do know, I won't need or want for anything else.
Now the hardest part. To keep this perspective, to live with this attitude, and to put all of my trust in God. Some days are better than others, but I pray that eventually, all days become easier.

Bloglovin

I am joining Bloglovin! This post is necessary to "claim my blog". <a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/6227079/?claim=esx2as284ym">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>