There are hours upon hours worth of information I could share with you about the adoption orientation- and at some point, I likely will share a lot of it. But for now, I want to share a small bit that I think and hope will help others understand our position a little better.
There were many different aspects, categories, and topics discussed over the weekend- all of which were highly beneficial and educational. But, one of the most eye opening things for me was hearing the panel of birth mothers and the panel of adoptive families speak. During the adoptive parent panel, we had the opportunity to ask questions.
One question Jordan asked was this, "Tell us about your experience in transitioning from struggling with infertility to the decision to adopt." Many people have different views on adoption. After a miscarriage or a long struggle with infertility, someone may say "just adopt, then you will get pregnant". I have come to learn that people (mostly) really do mean well, but statements like these just aren't comforting for so many reasons. After a miscarriage, you don't want to 'just adopt'. You wanted that baby. You wanted your baby. The baby that had begun to grow inside of your tummy- not just any baby. Adopting a child has always been something I wanted to do. I can't remember exactly when I decided that, but I know it was before I was married. As I have mentioned before, I had a plan for my life. Part of that plan was to have 2-3 biological children, then adopt a baby. I also planned to get pregnant within a couple of months of trying to conceive. It seems logical to think that after several months, year #1, or at least year #2, one would fully realize that she is really not in control of when or if she will ever conceive or carry a child to term; however, that is not always the case. Medical advancements are wonderful and amazing tools that help our health in so many ways. But, it doesn't always help our souls. There has been so much research done and so many discoveries made in medicine, especially the female reproductive system, and there are so many options for treatments. Doctors have discovered that if we test this and test that and prescribe this pill or that hormone injection, check this temperature or that mucus on these certain days then we will get it figured out! We will track everything for everyday of each month and make adjustments that next month and it'll work. And sometimes it does work! Probably more often than not. But sometimes, it doesn't. In the midst of all the medications, appointments, lifestyle changes, charting, etc you begin to feel like you are in control of what is happening.
"If I forget a progesterone pill the lining of my uterus may be too thin to hold a pregnancy"- I'm in control of that.
"The ultrasound series this month showed that my eggs did not grow to a mature enough size, so next month we will change up the Femara or the Clomid prescription to fix it."- I'm in control of that.
"I have to be diligent with my charting everyday because it will give us answers as to what is wrong and how we can fix it." - I'm in control of that.
With many, many more responsibilities, it is easy to believe that every move you make- or don't make is solely determining whether or not you conceive or carry your baby to term- or not. Talk about a HUGE weight on your shoulders. It is easy to forget that God is in control. And, it is very difficult to let go of that 'control' that you think you have. When the discussion that weekend took place about transferring your mindset from trying to conceive to adoption, a few comments stuck out in my mind. One of the couples made the suggestion that you have to really be "okay" with the fact that you very well may never have biological children. You have to be at peace with that before you can change paths onto the adoption journey. And I really believe we are there. Adopting is something that we have been discussing for a couple of years now. We began the process in April of this year. We have prayed about these decisions for years. Whether or not we ever have biological children, we are thankful that God is providing this opportunity for us to minister to a child in need and his/her birth mother.
Another comment that stuck with me was this: "An adopted child is not just a consolation prize." Although I have always wanted to adopt a child, I had planned to have biological children first and then adopt a child. I wanted both. In our day, you can pretty much achieve whatever you put your mind to. "If you believe it, you can do it". This is how I felt about having children. But after nearly 3 years of trying to have children, losing two, and seeing family after family around us have child after child, it is easy to feel like a failure. We believed, we prayed, and prayed and prayed, we did everything the doctors suggested day after day after day- but it STILL didn't work! So, we decided that if we wanted to be parents, we would need to adopt. Even though we had wanted to anyway and had planned to even if we did have biological children, for me, it just felt a little different when we began the process. To be perfectly honest, it felt like we were going to get a consolation prize. But after more prayer, thoughtful consideration and after seeing and listening to these families who have already adopted (some also having biological children), I know that that is absolutely not the case. No child is simply a consolation prize. Psalm 127:3, "children are a heritage from the Lord..." Children are from the Lord, they belong to Him. A biological child is no more mine than an adopted child- both are from the Lord, both are equally loved by the Lord, and both- if we ever have both- will be equally loved by us.
We are so excited to begin this journey! A quantifiable measure of our excitement is evidenced in the fact that we have completed over 50 forms and documents in the last 2 weeks. And we're just beginning with the paperwork... The agency likes to call this a "Pregnancy on Paper"; we just don't know how long the "pregnancy" will last! I know there will be many questions from many people, but please bear with us as we are still processing all of the specifics and requirements ourselves. Number 1 question will likely be "how long?". There is no exact answer to that question. Once we have our home study completed (likely by the end of September), the agency says an average of 12-24 months to wait. Trust us, we know that seems like forever, please don't remind us! :) But, we know that each day we are one day closer to adopting, one day closer to meeting our babies in Heaven, and one day closer to spending eternity with our Lord!
As we take steps through this process, I will be updating the blog. Please check here if you are seeking updates. Please also, continue to pray for us- for patience, for a smooth adoption process, for a quick process, and that we will be the parents the Lord would have us to be.
If interested, you can find information about our agency of choice, Christian Homes and Family Services at www.christianhomes.com
