Today should have been a celebration, but instead it's just another Monday. This week we had planned to share our good news, but instead we will try to hold it together as there is nothing left to say. This holiday season was going to finally be "the one". This coming June we were supposed to finally hold what we have prayed for for so long, but instead our arms will be empty.
You see, today we should have been celebrating the end of the first trimester, but instead we are mourning the loss of our baby. You see, year after year we say "surely by next Christmas we will have a baby". We should have been able to know that with certainty this year. Our baby was due to be born June 8, 2015. Now, it'll just be a day on the calendar for most, but for us, it will always be a day in our hearts. A day that we will wonder many things about. Would our Baby have come early, late or right "on time"? How much would it have weighed? Was it a boy or girl? Today- and every week that passes- I wonder, would I be showing yet? If so, how much? Would the nausea still be around or would it have passed? I could go on and on with all the thoughts, wonders, dreams that go through my mind daily. I will always wonder who our Baby would have been.
I realize that many of you probably didn't even know we were pregnant. Allow me to backtrack for a minute.
That cycle was my first cycle (in a few months) without any ovulation meds so things were a little different/unclear. Each month I get blood work done on peak day +7. I also start taking progesterone on days peak +3-12. I had gotten to cycle day 23 and decided to check in with Dr. J to see if I should go ahead with blood work and progesterone. She said yes, so I got the blood work done, started the pills and would wait until the next cycle started to have a cycle review with Dr. J to see how my levels were without the meds and to make a new plan for the next cycle. We waited and waited, and we got to cycle day 39. At this point, part of me wanted to take a test just to remove the question from my mind, but the other part of me (a larger part of me) was scared to. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing another negative test. The morning of October 9 (cycle day 39), Jordan and I decided it would be best to take a test. *Just in case* I might be pregnant...I would need to restart progesterone immediately to help hold the pregnancy. I can't even come up with an adequate word to tell you how shocked we were. The test said pregnant! Immediately, clearly, no doubt about it, two lines, positive test, PREGNANT! I called Dr. J, they sent me for blood work, I took another home test and all results were good. She started me on progesterone, changed my diet, we found a local doctor, made cute announcements for our parents and felt like we were living a dream. We were full of joy and thanksgiving. Our conversations revolved around our little Baby. We couldn't wait until Thanksgiving when we had planned to make the announcement to extended family and friends. Christmas cards were already decided on. I had begun to fill out the pregnancy memory book that I have had stored away for years. My mind revolved around the fact that, finally, we were going to be parents. The next month was a complete blur. After some complications, numerous doctor visits, ultrasounds, blood draws, and an emergency room visit, our dream came to an end. No one knows why, but God took our Baby home.
Generally, most people decide not to share the good news until they have made it through the first trimester and the risk of miscarriage drops drastically. We had decided to do the same, especially considering all of my medical troubles. However, after we lost our Baby, we found that we could/can not bear this burden on our own. As we have broken down and cried to family and friends, I told Jordan, "This doesn't make sense. We didn't tell anyone other than immediate family that we were pregnant so that we didn't have to tell people if we had a miscarriage, but now that we have had a miscarriage we have told several people." I guess, initially, we were afraid of how hard it would be to tell people that our Baby was no longer living- if something were to happen, but in reality, it was so much harder trying to carry this burden on our own. I only wish we had told more people the good news before the bad news hit. So many have been praying for us for so long, it would have been so nice to share some good news with them, rejoice with them, thank God with them.
We try to focus on positive things, but sometimes it is hard. My mind knows that because of Jesus, I have reason to celebrate every day. We can celebrate that our church family has helped to bear our burdens with us. We can celebrate that our jobs have allowed time for doctor appointments and some time away. We can celebrate that we have each other and that we are growing closer through this rather than growing apart. We can celebrate because this is another day the Lord has made. We can celebrate because we have a great Dr. We can celebrate because we have family and friends that love us. We can celebrate that our Baby is in the arms of Jesus. We can celebrate that we, belonging to Jesus, will join our Baby someday. These are a just a few reasons we know in our minds that we can celebrate, but our hearts are clouded by the hurt of not being able to celebrate the birth of our Baby.
I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks reading blogs and searching for comforting scriptures, trying to gather my thoughts and find a way to move forward. Here are a few scriptures I would like to share:
-Psalm 147:3-5
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars; He calls them all by name. Great is our Lord, and mighty in power; His understanding is infinite."
-Psalm 46:10
"Be still and know that I am God..."
-1 Peter 1:6-9
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that in the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, thought it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith-the salvation of your souls."
-Revelation 21:4
"And God shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."
One more verse that has been on my mind...
-Philippians 4:11
"...for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content."
I can't honestly say that I have come that far, but I have a goal.
Those of you who know me well, know that a post like this is far out of my comfort zone. I wanted to write these things to help clear my head, to share with those who have questions, to possibly help someone who is going through something similar, and to ask for your prayers. Friends and family, we simply ask that when you think we are being rude because we are not talkative, when we look sad or mad, when our eyes are on the brink of tears, please forgive us and keep in mind that our hearts and minds are likely thinking of our baby. <3
Monday, November 24, 2014
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