One year ago. It's been a whole year, today, since we found out we were pregnant with our first child. I can remember that day so clearly. Waking up, us deciding I should take a test- I wasn't sure I wanted to for fear of seeing another "not pregnant". The shock and disbelief that the test actually said "pregnant". Calling my doctor, getting blood work drawn, stopping at Target to buy another test and taking it in the Target bathroom because I wasn't patient enough to wait until I got home to check again. The pure joy, excitement, and gratitude I felt I day long- like I was in a dream, I kept having to remind myself that it was real- after almost two years, we really were pregnant. The next few days were great. Sharing the news with our parents, thinking about the future, scheduling doctor appointments, anticipating ultrasounds. Then the bleeding began that Tuesday. The next couple of weeks were a blur as we had several appointments, ultrasounds, and said lots of prayers. By the end of October we had lost our first child. And here we are, an entire year later (and four months past our second miscarriage). I didn't know how or if I would ever be 'ok' again. If you are going through a miscarriage, I assure you, it does get easier. It's not quick, in fact it takes a long time, but life does get better. It won't be the same as it was before, you are forever changed, but you will laugh again, and you will smile again, and you will be able to function again- just give it time. I remember 'the day' that I knew I was going to be 'ok'. I don't remember exactly how long it took- a few months- but I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I realized, "Wow, I'm 'ok' today. I actually feel happy again." It caught me off guard, I even felt guilty, but I felt happy again. You may be wondering how you will ever get there. My top suggestions are prayer, lots of prayer, open up and let others help you, grieve your loss, read your Bible and read your Bible some more, do/buy something to memorialize your child (a charm, plant a tree, a memory book, etc)- it's something tangible you can hold on to, be honest with your emotions and work through them.
Now we are expecting a child through adoption. We don't know when or from where the child will come (other than we know it is a domestic adoption). The uncertainty is the hardest part for me. I want to have a date, a countdown,
something that is certain. But the fact is, there is nothing certain about this process until the baby is born, the birth mother signs the release, and then the court date is passed and the child is legally ours. We are a long ways away from that!
Since I don't have much else to do on our end of the adoption process, I made the first purchase for our future baby last week. :) I ordered a book from Amazon call "God Found Us You", and it came in yesterday! It is a very sweet, tear-jerking story that I highly recommend if you are looking for a special gift to give someone who is adopting. I can't wait to have a sweet baby to read it to. I also purchased an Adoption Journal- it is kind of what I expected, but not exactly what I was looking for. I was hoping to find something like the pregnancy journals I had started during the last two pregnancies- but this is more of a baby book kind of thing. They have about 2-3" of space to write under the "Waiting" category---of course it would be great if that little space would cover all the time we have already and will continue to wait, but it won't! I still plan to use the book, but I am still searching for something a little different.
"For so long, I dreamed of you," she said.
"Bout me?"
"About you. I dreamed of how you would look, smell, even what you would sound like. And every day I thought of how wonderful it would be to hold you in my arms......Oh, how I longed for the day that you would arrive. When God would find us you."
"And then I came?"
"Oh, no. No matter how much I prayed it would happen, I still had to wait."
"You waited and waited and waited?"
"And waited. But I knew that someday you'd arrive, when God would find us you."
"It made it hard to see other mamas with their children," she said, like she was telling a secret.
"You were lonely for me?"
"Very. I could not wait until the day you'd come home, the day God would find us you."
........
"When God found us you," Mama Fox whispered, "you made me the happiest mama in the world."
Adoption is so much like the relationship we have with God. When we are lost, He wants us so badly to come home, to find Him. And as much as He wants that for each of us, although He could because He is all powerful, He doesn't make us come. He waits and waits and sometimes waits some more, lonely for each of us to be part of His family. And when we find God, follow His commands and are added to His family, it makes Him the "happiest Father in the world".
"See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God..."
1 John 3:1
How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure,
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss -
The Father turns His face away,
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory.
Behold the man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders;
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers.
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished;
His dying breath has brought me life -
I know that it is finished.
I will not boast in anything,
No gifts, no power, no wisdom;
But I will boast in Jesus Christ,
His death and resurrection.
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer;
But this I know with all my heart -
His wounds have paid my ransom.
So, a little bit of an update for you-
Our part of the home study is complete! I have mailed the photo albums, our birth mother letter will be completed and ready to go this weekend, and our case workers says she needs a couple of more weeks to finish typing up our home study. THEN, we will be on the list. We were hoping for the beginning of October, but now it is looking like the beginning of November.
Of course I don't like the waiting part- even though it seems like we should be good at it by now- but I think it is going to get a little harder for me now. While completing paperwork, sending in forms, working on the photo album, etc I have had something to do. I have known I was doing something to get us closer to having a child in our arms. But now, our part is just about complete and there is nothing else to do but wait. We are still praying our wait will be a short one.
The most asked question lately has been
"Is this an open adoption?" The short answer is 'Yes'.
All domestic adoptions (at least in Texas, not including CPS situations) are now 'open', unless the birth mother refuses contact. A lot has to do with her decisions and preferences. To be honest, at first we were thinking what a lot of you are probably thinking. We were not crazy about the idea of an open adoption, we feared that the mother would try to take the baby away, we wanted our baby to ourselves and didn't want to share. However, we have learned a lot about the relationships in an open adoption since we began this process and we are totally comfortable with it now. The amount of contact will be discussed and agreed upon between us and the birth mother. She may not want any contact, and she may want a lot of contact. The case worker will help us in determining what is realistic and healthy. We had the opportunity to ask these questions of birth mothers who had place their babies for adoption.
-Did you ever want to try to take your baby back from the adoptive parents? They all three immediately said never. They said they would never want to do anything to jeopardize or harm the home and relationships their child had with their adoptive parents. They told us to remember that they placed their child for adoption out of love, because they wanted something better for their child than they could provide at the time. -This was very comforting and eye opening for us.
-They tell us to send pictures and updates to the birth mother. At what point does this become like we are rubbing it in your face that we get to raise your child; when is it too much? Again, they all agreed there is never too much. Of course, this depends on the birth mother and that will be something discussed in the match meeting. But, at least for the first several months, the birth mothers said they enjoyed getting texts and pictures weekly or a few times a month. As the child gets older, our case workers said it usually turns into a couple of updates each year. Some birth mothers and adoptive parents have very close relationships where they see each other fairly often. Some don't see each other at all.
We will be open with our child about the fact that he/she was adopted whether the birth mother is involved or not. We believe it is easier on the child for he/she to have "always known" they were adopted than it is for them to just find out one day when they are older. Of course, we will make the decision as to at what age we explain all the details but we don't plan to keep it a secret like it is something bad. We hope to have a relationship with the birth mother that will be beneficial for her, the child, and us. We will possibly have an opportunity to minister to her and we have been praying that we do so well. The adoption agency told us of a story when an adoptive father called the agency to tell them the best news. The agency thought he would say something along the lines of their baby saying "Daddy" or taking his first steps, but the adoptive father told the agency that he had just baptized the birth mother of their baby. What a heart warming experience.
Please continue to remember us in your prayers, as well as the birth mother. <3
