Why Isn't God Answering My Prayers?

Have you ever spent a large amount of time praying for the same thing? Maybe you've been praying every day for a month, or six months, or an entire year, or maybe every day for three years, yet God still hasn’t “answered” your prayer? Maybe you've been praying for the health of a loved one, or a financial burden, or a new job, or a spouse, or maybe you, like me, have been praying earnestly for a sweet baby. So, you’ve prayed. And prayed. And prayed. And you’ve asked others to pray. And you’ve prayed believing that God can bless you with what you are asking, and you know that He is able; yet, it still isn’t happening for you. It’s happening for others; God is blessing others with the exact thing for which you’ve been pouring your heart out begging, but not you. When we pray for something for so long and the things we have been asking for aren't happening, it is easy to get discouraged and to start having questions:

‘what’s wrong with me?’, ‘what’s wrong with my prayers?’, ‘am I praying wrong?’, 

'why isn't God answering my prayers?', 'why am I even still praying?' 

Here are three things to consider when it seems that God isn't answering our prayers:

1-     We have to remember that prayer is not simply a wish list that we give to God. It's not simply a list of things that He is supposed to fulfill at our every desire. So we ask the question: What is prayer? Prayer is approaching the throne of God with thanksgiving. Prayer is casting all of our cares on Him. Prayer is praising God, our Father. Prayer is falling to our knees in supplication to the Father. Prayer is comforting, calming, reassuring, and commanded.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:6

Where does this peace come from? The "peace that surpasses all understanding" is not a peace that is contingent simply on God fulfilling your prayer wish list. It is a peace that covers every area of your life; it is a peace that can only be found by fully depending upon, trusting in, and committing your life unto God. A peace that says, "Whatever God wills..."

2-    Another thing to remember is that our timeline is not God’s timeline. Maybe He will eventually say ‘yes’ to the things we are asking for in prayer, but maybe He won’t. And if not, He is still good. We need to be persistent in prayer, keep praying for the things we are praying for and be faithful and confident that God hears the prayers of the righteous. (Col. 4:2)

We need not to lose heart while we wait. It is easy to fall into the trap of losing faith in the power of prayer. Ashamedly, I admit that when I have been told by someone that they are praying fervently for us, I have, at times, both said and thought, ‘well, it’s not doing any good.’ Or when someone says ‘God has answered our prayers’ I have thought, ‘why your prayers and not mine?’. What a terrible attitude. I don’t write these things because I am proud of my spiritual struggles, but I write them to let others know that we aren’t expected to be strong all the time. While unwavering spiritual strength should be our goal, we need to remember we are human. People have commented that I have handled our situation very well and that I have been so strong. But at times, I really am not. I want other people who are struggling to realize that they aren’t the only ones having a hard time accepting what God has or has not given them. But I want to encourage others and ask others to encourage me to continue in prayer and to believe in the power of prayer. After such a long time of begging, it is easy to just give up.  

“The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” James 5:16.

“For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers…” 1Pet. 3:12

3-   Lastly, we must remember that our plans are not God’s plans. Maybe our plans are somewhere on His timeline; but maybe they aren’t. Maybe He has completely different plans for us. We need to remember to fully trust in God and the plans He has made, even when we don’t know what those plans are. We do know that it is in His plan for us to help others, teach others, and glorify Him in all that we do. So, for me, if that means I have an opportunity to teach others and to glorify God through our struggles in bearing children, then I better do my best and find contentment in doing so. We do know some of His plan; we know He has Heaven planned for us and He desires that all mankind should enter into eternity with Him- what better plan could we have than that?!

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us…UNTO HIM BE GLORY IN THE CHURCH AND IN CHRIST JESUS THROUGHOUT ALL GENERATIONS, FOREVER AND EVER.” Eph. 3:20

If you are interested in an in-depth study of prayer, I encourage you to check out the Bible Marking post on Prayer at Come Fill Your Cup. 

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Adoption Update:

We have been on the list now for 1 month and 12 days. People ask when we think we will hear something, but we really have absolutely no idea. I don't have much of an update for you, since nothing is happening, so I will jump right into the currently popular questions...

1- Do you get to name the baby?
     Short answer- yes. Long answer.... We will discuss this when we have a match meeting with the birth mother once we are chosen. Sometimes the birth mother wants to give the baby a name, sometimes she goes with the name the adoptive parents have chosen, and sometimes they decide together. If the birth mother wants to pick the name, we can always have the name changed on the birth certificate. The last name will be changed when the adoption is finalized anyway, about 6 months after the baby is born. Of course this will be decided upon at the match meeting. Do we have names picked out? YES and we love them! With my addiction to planning, you shouldn't be surprised to know that we've have the names picked out for a while; the girl name has been picked for about 5 years and the boy name was decided upon earlier this year. Emmalyn Grace and Jackson Grady are the names we have picked and we can't wait to meet and hold and love and raise him or her! Ever wonder why we choose the names we do for sample baby monogrammed items at our store? Now you know! :)

2- What if you get a call for a baby tomorrow- are you ready?
     Um, YES we are ready. We have been ready and waiting for three years! Now, is our house ready....no, not exactly. But we really aren't concerned about that at all. We do have a boy crib and a girl crib, but that is about it. In most situations, after a call is received for a match, we will likely have a month or two before the birth of the baby. Of course, it could be a situation in which the baby was just born and we pick him/her up within a couple of days, but that is not very common. And if so, then that's great too. As far as nurseries go, we (or I) :) have had decorations and fabrics picked out for a long time. So, once we know if it is a boy or a girl, I wouldn't be surprised if we had that nursery completed in a couple of weeks! :)


If you ordered an adoption t-shirt, first of all THANK YOU! Second, they are ready! We have mailed several out and handed out most of them, but if you have not received yours, you can contact us or we will contact you to figure out a time to get it to you.

Thanks for keeping up with our slow moving journey to becoming parents!

When God Finds Us You

One year ago. It's been a whole year, today, since we found out we were pregnant with our first child. I can remember that day so clearly. Waking up, us deciding I should take a test- I wasn't sure I wanted to for fear of seeing another "not pregnant". The shock and disbelief that the test actually said "pregnant". Calling my doctor, getting blood work drawn, stopping at Target to buy another test and taking it in the Target bathroom because I wasn't patient enough to wait until I got home to check again. The pure joy, excitement, and gratitude I felt I day long- like I was in a dream, I kept having to remind myself that it was real- after almost two years, we really were pregnant. The next few days were great. Sharing the news with our parents, thinking about the future, scheduling doctor appointments, anticipating ultrasounds. Then the bleeding began that Tuesday. The next couple of weeks were a blur as we had several appointments, ultrasounds, and said lots of prayers. By the end of October we had lost our first child. And here we are, an entire year later (and four months past our second miscarriage). I didn't know how or if I would ever be 'ok' again. If you are going through a miscarriage, I assure you, it does get easier. It's not quick, in fact it takes a long time, but life does get better. It won't be the same as it was before, you are forever changed, but you will laugh again, and you will smile again, and you will be able to function again- just give it time. I remember 'the day' that I knew I was going to be 'ok'. I don't remember exactly how long it took- a few months- but I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I realized, "Wow, I'm 'ok' today. I actually feel happy again." It caught me off guard, I even felt guilty, but I felt happy again. You may be wondering how you will ever get there. My top suggestions are prayer, lots of prayer, open up and let others help you, grieve your loss, read your Bible and read your Bible some more, do/buy something to memorialize your child (a charm, plant a tree, a memory book, etc)- it's something tangible you can hold on to, be honest with your emotions and work through them.

Now we are expecting a child through adoption. We don't know when or from where the child will come (other than we know it is a domestic adoption). The uncertainty is the hardest part for me. I want to have a date, a countdown, something that is certain. But the fact is, there is nothing certain about this process until the baby is born, the birth mother signs the release, and then the court date is passed and the child is legally ours. We are a long ways away from that!

Since I don't have much else to do on our end of the adoption process, I made the first purchase for our future baby last week. :) I ordered a book from Amazon call "God Found Us You", and it came in yesterday! It is a very sweet, tear-jerking story that I highly recommend if you are looking for a special gift to give someone who is adopting. I can't wait to have a sweet baby to read it to. I also purchased an Adoption Journal- it is kind of what I expected, but not exactly what I was looking for. I was hoping to find something like the pregnancy journals I had started during the last two pregnancies- but this is more of a baby book kind of thing. They have about 2-3" of space to write under the "Waiting" category---of course it would be great if that little space would cover all the time we have already and will continue to wait, but it won't! I still plan to use the book, but I am still searching for something a little different.

"For so long, I dreamed of you," she said. 

"Bout me?"

"About you. I dreamed of how you would look, smell, even what you would sound like. And every day I thought of how wonderful it would be to hold you in my arms......Oh, how I longed for the day that you would arrive. When God would find us you."

"And then I came?"

"Oh, no. No matter how much I prayed it would happen, I still had to wait."

"You waited and waited and waited?"

"And waited. But I knew that someday you'd arrive, when God would find us you."

"It made it hard to see other mamas with their children," she said, like she was telling a secret. 

"You were lonely for me?"

"Very. I could not wait until the day you'd come home, the day God would find us you."

........

"When God found us you," Mama Fox whispered, "you made me the happiest mama in the world."

Adoption is so much like the relationship we have with God. When we are lost, He wants us so badly to come home, to find Him. And as much as He wants that for each of us, although He could because He is all powerful, He doesn't make us come. He waits and waits and sometimes waits some more, lonely for each of us to be part of His family. And when we find God, follow His commands and are added to His family, it makes Him the "happiest Father in the world".  

"See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God..."

1 John 3:1

How deep the Father’s love for us,

How vast beyond all measure,

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss -

The Father turns His face away,

As wounds which mar the Chosen One

Bring many sons to glory.

Behold the man upon a cross,

My sin upon His shoulders;

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished;

His dying breath has brought me life -

I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything,

No gifts, no power, no wisdom;

But I will boast in Jesus Christ,

His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer;

But this I know with all my heart -

His wounds have paid my ransom.

Stuart Townend

So, a little bit of an update for you-

Our part of the home study is complete! I have mailed the photo albums, our birth mother letter will be completed and ready to go this weekend, and our case workers says she needs a couple of more weeks to finish typing up our home study. THEN, we will be on the list. We were hoping for the beginning of October, but now it is looking like the beginning of November.

Of course I don't like the waiting part- even though it seems like we should be good at it by now- but I think it is going to get a little harder for me now. While completing paperwork, sending in forms, working on the photo album, etc I have had something to do. I have known I was doing something to get us closer to having a child in our arms. But now, our part is just about complete and there is nothing else to do but wait. We are still praying our wait will be a short one.

The most asked question lately has been "Is this an open adoption?" The short answer is 'Yes'.
All domestic adoptions (at least in Texas, not including CPS situations) are now 'open', unless the birth mother refuses contact. A lot has to do with her decisions and preferences. To be honest, at first we were thinking what a lot of you are probably thinking. We were not crazy about the idea of an open adoption, we feared that the mother would try to take the baby away, we wanted our baby to ourselves and didn't want to share. However, we have learned a lot about the relationships in an open adoption since we began this process and we are totally comfortable with it now. The amount of contact will be discussed and agreed upon between us and the birth mother. She may not want any contact, and she may want a lot of contact. The case worker will help us in determining what is realistic and healthy. We had the opportunity to ask these questions of birth mothers who had place their babies for adoption.

-Did you ever want to try to take your baby back from the adoptive parents? They all three immediately said never. They said they would never want to do anything to jeopardize or harm the home and relationships their child had with their adoptive parents. They told us to remember that they placed their child for adoption out of love, because they wanted something better for their child than they could provide at the time. -This was very comforting and eye opening for us.
-They tell us to send pictures and updates to the birth mother. At what point does this become like we are rubbing it in your face that we get to raise your child; when is it too much? Again, they all agreed there is never too much. Of course, this depends on the birth mother and that will be something discussed in the match meeting. But, at least for the first several months, the birth mothers said they enjoyed getting texts and pictures weekly or a few times a month. As the child gets older, our case workers said it usually turns into a couple of updates each year. Some birth mothers and adoptive parents have very close relationships where they see each other fairly often. Some don't see each other at all.

We will be open with our child about the fact that he/she was adopted whether the birth mother is involved or not. We believe it is easier on the child for he/she to have "always known" they were adopted than it is for them to just find out one day when they are older. Of course, we will make the decision as to at what age we explain all the details but we don't plan to keep it a secret like it is something bad. We hope to have a relationship with the birth mother that will be beneficial for her, the child, and us. We will possibly have an opportunity to minister to her and we have been praying that we do so well. The adoption agency told us of a story when an adoptive father called the agency to tell them the best news. The agency thought he would say something along the lines of their baby saying "Daddy" or taking his first steps, but the adoptive father told the agency that he had just baptized the birth mother of their baby. What a heart warming experience.

Please continue to remember us in your prayers, as well as the birth mother. <3

Homestudy Underway

We have been overwhelmed, humbled, and blessed by the amount of support that has been shown to us over the past few weeks since we announced that we had started the adoption process. We are so thankful for each of you, the prayers you have been offering, and the support you have shown. My plan is to keep the "story" of our adoption process as up to date as possible here on the blog. There will likely be times when there is nothing to write because we are simply waiting. It was mentioned a few days ago that "now the waiting begins". And that is true, in a sense, but in reality, we've already been waiting! I've been waiting most of my life to be a mom, we have been waiting for nearly three years to have children, and now we begin a new wait- waiting for a match.

We've experienced a whole range of emotions over the past 6 weeks. Anticipation about the orientation weekend and meeting the agency. Stress and guilt and deep consideration while filling out form after form (52 forms to be exact). Worry and concern about how we are actually going to come up with $30,000- and, what if we are never able to have biological children; we wanted a large family, how will we be able to adopt 2-3 more times? Failure, because of my inability to carry our children. Insecurity when there are pregnant women and/or moms all around but I am the only one around who can't carry my baby to term. Excitement about providing a loving, Christian home for a child in need. Uncertainty about whether or not the baby will form a bond with me as its Mommy when he/she did not grow in my tummy. Nervousness about the home-study and interview process. Disbelief that this journey has actually begun. Fear about the possibility of a failed placement. Sobriety and joy about the opportunity we may have to minister to the birth mother. Humility from the support shown by friends, family, and even people whom we do not know. Admiration for the birth mothers who selflessly choose a better life for their babies.

Throughout the past six weeks as we have faced some of these emotions, we have seen our Lord work through others by providing support (financially and spiritually), by lending an ear to listen, by showing their excitement and interest. And we know that the Lord is able to provide and take care of us when we face each one of these emotions- whether they be difficult or easy. Pslam 27 has been a go-to read for me lately-

vs. 4- One thing I have desired of the Lord, that will I seek:            {narrow my focus}
          that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,    {commune often with God}
          to behold the beauty of the Lord,                                             {focus on God & His beauty}
          and to inquire in His temple.                                           {seek an answer for my problems}

vs. 13-14 - "I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord. Be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord!"

So, where are we in this process? We are so close to being on "the list"! All of our paperwork is complete and we began the home-study last week. Oddly enough, we started the home-study in Abilene- which is not home. :) We spent 3 hours in an interview with our case worker- one hour together, and about one hour each individually. She will come to our house on the 23rd to complete the home study by checking out our house and finishing up some more questions. Thankfully, our agency does not require us to "baby-proof" the house for the home-study. The only thing we will have to change around the house for the home-study is to have our firearms and ammo locked up separately. Other than that, she basically wants to make sure our house is a safe environment for a child. Once the home-study is complete, we will then be put on the list (hopefully by the beginning of October). The agency tells us the wait time for a child is an average of 12-24 months. However, there is no set time. This is not a first come, first served kind of thing. When a birth mother gets to a certain point in her pregnancy (6-7 months) the agency will show her profiles of families who could potentially "match" her case (based on medical history, age, race, etc). The birth mother will then look at the profiles consisting of a photo album, a letter written to the birth mother from the adoptive families, autobiographies, and basic information (jobs, ages, religion, etc). Once the birth mother chooses a family, a match meeting is set up for the birth mother and adoptive family to meet, along with the case worker. If the meeting goes well and we are chosen, then we have a match! So, the wait really is just dependent on how quickly we get chosen by a birth mother.

What's next after we get a match? A lot will depend on the birth mother, how far along she is in the pregnancy, and what her preferences are. If the birth mother is open to it, we will get to go to ultrasound appointments prior to the birth! We will have a short amount of time to get the nursery ready, but I'm not worried at all about that- I've had a boy nursery and a girl nursery planned for several years now :) Unless we get matched with a "drop in" (a birth mother who has not decided to place her baby for adoption prior to the birth and it is a last minute decision), we should be able to be at the hospital for the birth. Some hospitals give the adoptive parents a room but some don't. Once the baby is born, the state of Texas does not allow the birth mother to sign her rights away until 48 hours after the birth. So, those 48 hours will be very nerve-wracking, as the birth mother can change her mind and decide to keep the baby (this is called a failed placement). Once the 48 hours has passed and she has signed her rights away, we get to take our baby home (if he/she is healthy enough to leave the hospital at that time)! If the birth father did not sign his rights away prior to the birth, he will have 30 days after the birth to come forward and claim his child. After the 30 days have passed, he no longer has parental rights to the baby. Most birth fathers sign their rights away prior to the birth. The baby will legally be under the custody of the agency until our court date and all the legal paperwork is complete. This usually takes about 6 months.

For those who are interested, we are doing a t-shirt fundraiser! We are asking for pre-orders to be in by Saturday, September 19th. Here is a link where you an see and purchase the shirts.
http://www.jmooreoutdoor.com/Adoption-TShirt-Fundraiser

Please continue to pray for us, our future child, and the birth mother!

A Pregnancy on Paper!

A few weekends ago, Jordan and I went out of town and spent some time in Canton- shopping. We also, however, spent the majority of the weekend at an Adoption Orientation. When people asked where we we going, we simply said "Canton". We just weren't ready to share about our decision to adopt. We wanted to go through the orientation, learn more about the agency we had chosen, become more educated about the adoption journey, and have time to process everything ourselves before we felt we could share with everyone. We trust that everyone will be understanding about that decision.

There are hours upon hours worth of information I could share with you about the adoption orientation- and at some point, I likely will share a lot of it. But for now, I want to share a small bit that I think and hope will help others understand our position a little better. 

There were many different aspects, categories, and topics discussed over the weekend- all of which were highly beneficial and educational. But, one of the most eye opening things for me was hearing the panel of birth mothers and the panel of adoptive families speak. During the adoptive parent panel, we had the opportunity to ask questions. 

One question Jordan asked was this, "Tell us about your experience in transitioning from struggling with infertility to the decision to adopt." Many people have different views on adoption. After a miscarriage or a long struggle with infertility, someone may say "just adopt, then you will get pregnant". I have come to learn that people (mostly) really do mean well, but statements like these just aren't comforting for so many reasons. After a miscarriage, you don't want to 'just adopt'. You wanted that baby. You wanted your baby. The baby that had begun to grow inside of your tummy- not just any baby. Adopting a child has always been something I wanted to do. I can't remember exactly when I decided that, but I know it was before I was married. As I have mentioned before, I had a plan for my life. Part of that plan was to have 2-3 biological children, then adopt a baby. I also planned to get pregnant within a couple of months of trying to conceive. It seems logical to think that after several months, year #1, or at least year #2, one would fully realize that she is really not in control of when or if she will ever conceive or carry a child to term; however, that is not always the case. Medical advancements are wonderful and amazing tools that help our health in so many ways. But, it doesn't always help our souls. There has been so much research done and so many discoveries made in medicine, especially the female reproductive system, and there are so many options for treatments. Doctors have discovered that if we test this and test that and prescribe this pill or that hormone injection, check this temperature or that mucus on these certain days then we will get it figured out! We will track everything for everyday of each month and make adjustments that next month and it'll work. And sometimes it does work! Probably more often than not. But sometimes, it doesn't. In the midst of all the medications, appointments, lifestyle changes, charting, etc you begin to feel like you are in control of what is happening. 

"If I forget a progesterone pill the lining of my uterus may be too thin to hold a pregnancy"- I'm in control of that. 

"The ultrasound series this month showed that my eggs did not grow to a mature enough size, so next month we will change up the Femara or the Clomid prescription to fix it."- I'm in control of that.

"I have to be diligent with my charting everyday because it will give us answers as to what is wrong and how we can fix it." - I'm in control of that.

With many, many more responsibilities, it is easy to believe that every move you make- or don't make is solely determining whether or not you conceive or carry your baby to term- or not. Talk about a HUGE weight on your shoulders. It is easy to forget that God is in control. And, it is very difficult to let go of that 'control' that you think you have. When the discussion that weekend took place about transferring your mindset from trying to conceive to adoption, a few comments stuck out in my mind. One of the couples made the suggestion that you have to really be "okay" with the fact that you very well may never have biological children. You have to be at peace with that before you can change paths onto the adoption journey. And I really believe we are there. Adopting is something that we have been discussing for a couple of years now. We began the process in April of this year. We have prayed about these decisions for years. Whether or not we ever have biological children, we are thankful that God is providing this opportunity for us to minister to a child in need and his/her birth mother. 

Another comment that stuck with me was this: "An adopted child is not just a consolation prize." Although I have always wanted to adopt a child, I had planned to have biological children first and then adopt a child. I wanted both. In our day, you can pretty much achieve whatever you put your mind to. "If you believe it, you can do it". This is how I felt about having children. But after nearly 3 years of trying to have children, losing two, and seeing family after family around us have child after child, it is easy to feel like a failure. We believed, we prayed, and prayed and prayed, we did everything the doctors suggested day after day after day- but it STILL didn't work! So, we decided that if we wanted to be parents, we would need to adopt. Even though we had wanted to anyway and had planned to even if we did have biological children, for me, it just felt a little different when we began the process. To be perfectly honest, it felt like we were going to get a consolation prize. But after more prayer, thoughtful consideration and after seeing and listening to these families who have already adopted (some also having biological children), I know that that is absolutely not the case. No child is simply a consolation prize. Psalm 127:3, "children are a heritage from the Lord..." Children are from the Lord, they belong to Him. A biological child is no more mine than an adopted child- both are from the Lord, both are equally loved by the Lord, and both- if we ever have both- will be equally loved by us. 

We are so excited to begin this journey! A quantifiable measure of our excitement is evidenced in the fact that we have completed over 50 forms and documents in the last 2 weeks. And we're just beginning with the paperwork... The agency likes to call this a "Pregnancy on Paper"; we just don't know how long the "pregnancy" will last! I know there will be many questions from many people, but please bear with us as we are still processing all of the specifics and requirements ourselves. Number 1 question will likely be "how long?". There is no exact answer to that question. Once we have our home study completed (likely by the end of September), the agency says an average of 12-24 months to wait. Trust us, we know that seems like forever, please don't remind us! :) But, we know that each day we are one day closer to adopting, one day closer to meeting our babies in Heaven, and one day closer to spending eternity with our Lord! 

As we take steps through this process, I will be updating the blog. Please check here if you are seeking updates. Please also, continue to pray for us- for patience, for a smooth adoption process, for a quick process, and that we will be the parents the Lord would have us to be.

If interested, you can find information about our agency of choice, Christian Homes and Family Services at www.christianhomes.com 

What to Expect When No Longer Expecting

     June 8th, 2015. A day that was once anticipated with great excitement. A date that is forever ingrained into my memory. A day that I became nervous and anxious about. The day that was the expected due date of our first child. You see, the expected due date is just that- expected- there are no guarantees. Some babies comes early, some babies come late, some babies don't come at all. And for parents like us, the expected due date is all we have. As I sit at home this morning, preparing to go to work, I can't help but think about the "what should have been." There is no hospital bag packed; no carseat in the car. There is no decorated nursery; no baby clothes sorted by size in the closet. There is no feeling of excitement or anticipation; no one waiting for a phone call to say "it's time". Just a pregnancy journal that is lacking details from the second and third trimesters, sweet cards from friends and family, and silence and stillness in this house.
    Facebook reminded me this morning of what happened on June 8, 2010. It was a day full of excitement and love. Family was in town, wedding planning was in full swing, and I had a lovely bridal shower in Dripping Springs that day. Life was busy and exciting. New adventures coming up, plans for our life together being made. One of those being plans to be married for 1-2 years then start a family. Looking back at those pictures this morning, I can remember that day very clearly, I never would have guessed that 5 years later we would not be expecting to meet our first child on the expected due date. Even more so, I would not have expected to be preparing for, not the birth of our first child, but the miscarriage of our second child.
     The last time I posted a blog was November 24 when we shared with you all the news of our first pregnancy and loss. That was a very difficult, helpless, lost, angry, and hurtful time for us. It has been a long, trying, roller-coaster, pill taking, injection giving, test taking, blood giving, doctor visiting 2.5 years of trying to become parents. In the past 9 months we have lost our 2 only children before we even got to meet them. But, in the past 7 months, since we have opened up to our family and friends about our struggles, we have been shown more love, concern, compassion, and care than we could have ever imagined. Our faith has grown, our hearts have been touched, our hands have been held up (Exodus 17), and the Lord has blessed us. He has blessed us with children who we will meet some day in Heaven. He has blessed us with physical families that love us and care for us. He has blessed us with a spiritual family, both locally and around the world, who have taken our names and burdens before the His throne in prayer (James 5). He has blessed us with each other and a marriage that grows stronger through our struggles (James 1). He has blessed us with broken hearts that have learned to find our strength in Him (Psalm 34:18). He has blessed us with a new opportunity to work with the youth in our local congregation; an opportunity that has already and will bring us great joy. He has blessed us with a Savior who walked this earth, was tempted in every way, who hurts when we hurt, and who loves us enough to have given His life so our souls could have the chance to be with Him in eternity.
     Not expecting the expected... The word expected is defined as: regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or coming of. I always feared that I may have trouble becoming a mother. I am not sure if I "just knew" something was not right with how my body was functioning, or if the fear was just there because being a mother was something I have always wanted so badly; something I dreamed of, something I anticipated, something I expected. It is a weird feeling to not only "not expect" but to know that we will not meet our baby on the expected due date and to also know that we will not meet our first two children until we pass from this life. People expect to become parents, raise their children, spend a lifetime together, and then to pass from this life before their children do. Maybe, sometimes, our own expectations are a dangerous thing that lead us to hurt and heartache. Maybe we should put more time and effort into finding out what God's expectations for our lives are and strive to fulfill those expectations. Then, when the time comes for our lives on this earth to end, we can be at peace, not just expecting that we will spend eternity in Heaven, but knowing that because of our Savior, His sacrifice, and our commitment to obeying Him, we will spend eternity in Heaven.
     God is good, all the time. And all the time, even when things don't go as we would expect, God is still good.

Searching for Contentment: Through a Miscarriage

Today should have been a celebration, but instead it's just another Monday. This week we had planned to share our good news, but instead we will try to hold it together as there is nothing left to say. This holiday season was going to finally be "the one". This coming June we were supposed to finally hold what we have prayed for for so long, but instead our arms will be empty.

You see, today we should have been celebrating the end of the first trimester, but instead we are mourning the loss of our baby. You see, year after year we say "surely by next Christmas we will have a baby". We should have been able to know that with certainty this year. Our baby was due to be born June 8, 2015. Now, it'll just be a day on the calendar for most, but for us, it will always be a day in our hearts. A day that we will wonder many things about. Would our Baby have come early, late or right "on time"? How much would it have weighed? Was it a boy or girl? Today- and every week that passes- I wonder, would I be showing yet? If so, how much? Would the nausea still be around or would it have passed? I could go on and on with all the thoughts, wonders, dreams that go through my mind daily. I will always wonder who our Baby would have been.

 I realize that many of you probably didn't even know we were pregnant. Allow me to backtrack for a minute.

That cycle was my first cycle (in a few months) without any ovulation meds so things were a little different/unclear. Each month I get blood work done on peak day +7. I also start taking progesterone on days peak +3-12. I had gotten to cycle day 23 and decided to check in with Dr. J to see if I should go ahead with blood work and progesterone. She said yes, so I got the blood work done, started the pills and would wait until the next cycle started to have a cycle review with Dr. J to see how my levels were without the meds and to make a new plan for the next cycle. We waited and waited, and we got to cycle day 39. At this point, part of me wanted to take a test just to remove the question from my mind, but the other part of me (a larger part of me) was scared to. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing another negative test. The morning of October 9 (cycle day 39), Jordan and I decided it would be best to take a test. *Just in case* I might be pregnant...I would need to restart progesterone immediately to help hold the pregnancy. I can't even come up with an adequate word to tell you how shocked we were. The test said pregnant! Immediately, clearly, no doubt about it, two lines, positive test, PREGNANT! I called Dr. J, they sent me for blood work, I took another home test and all results were good. She started me on progesterone, changed my diet, we found a local doctor, made cute announcements for our parents and felt like we were living a dream. We were full of joy and thanksgiving. Our conversations revolved around our little Baby. We couldn't wait until Thanksgiving when we had planned to make the announcement to extended family and friends. Christmas cards were already decided on. I had begun to fill out the pregnancy memory book that I have had stored away for years. My mind revolved around the fact that, finally, we were going to be parents. The next month was a complete blur. After some complications, numerous doctor visits, ultrasounds, blood draws, and an emergency room visit, our dream came to an end. No one knows why, but God took our Baby home.

Generally, most people decide not to share the good news until they have made it through the first trimester and the risk of miscarriage drops drastically. We had decided to do the same, especially considering all of my medical troubles. However, after we lost our Baby, we found that we could/can not bear this burden on our own. As we have broken down and cried to family and friends, I told Jordan, "This doesn't make sense. We didn't tell anyone other than immediate family that we were pregnant so that we didn't have to tell people if we had a miscarriage, but now that we have had a miscarriage we have told several people." I guess, initially, we were afraid of how hard it would be to tell people that our Baby was no longer living- if something were to happen, but in reality, it was so much harder trying to carry this burden on our own.  I only wish we had told more people the good news before the bad news hit. So many have been praying for us for so long, it would have been so nice to share some good news with them, rejoice with them, thank God with them.

We try to focus on positive things, but sometimes it is hard. My mind knows that because of Jesus, I have reason to celebrate every day. We can celebrate that our church family has helped to bear our burdens with us. We can celebrate that our jobs have allowed time for doctor appointments and some time away. We can celebrate that we have each other and that we are growing closer through this rather than growing apart. We can celebrate because this is another day the Lord has made. We can celebrate because we have a great Dr. We can celebrate because we have family and friends that love us. We can celebrate that our Baby is in the arms of Jesus. We can celebrate that we, belonging to Jesus, will join our Baby someday. These are a just a few reasons we know in our minds that we can celebrate, but our hearts are clouded by the hurt of not being able to celebrate the birth of our Baby.

I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks reading blogs and searching for comforting scriptures, trying to gather my thoughts and find a way to move forward. Here are a few scriptures I would like to share:

-Psalm 147:3-5
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars; He calls them all by name. Great is our Lord, and mighty in power; His understanding is infinite."

-Psalm 46:10
"Be still and know that I am God..."

-1 Peter 1:6-9
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that in the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, thought it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith-the salvation of your souls."

-Revelation 21:4
"And God shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."

One more verse that has been on my mind...

-Philippians 4:11
"...for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content."

I can't honestly say that I have come that far, but I have a goal.


Those of you who know me well, know that a post like this is far out of my comfort zone. I wanted to write these things to help clear my head, to share with those who have questions, to possibly help someone who is going through something similar, and to ask for your prayers. Friends and family, we simply ask that when you think we are being rude because we are not talkative, when we look sad or mad, when our eyes are on the brink of tears, please forgive us and keep in mind that our hearts and minds are likely thinking of our baby. <3

A New Perspective

Well, here we are, 8 months post surgery. I wish I could be writing about some positive news-in regards to infertility- but it simply doesn't exist right now. We have spent the last several months trying this medication and that medication, sticking to the diet, sticking to the charting, monthly blood draws, monthly check ups, and frequent ultrasounds. 2 months on Clomid, 1 month Femara, I have lost count of the months on Progesterone and the other 2 supplements. It is safe to say I am tired of swallowing pills! I say "we" rather than "I" because my husband has been there every step of the way. And with each medication and side effects, he experiences it too. Definitely different side effects than I have, but he experiences the mood changes, the tears, the frustration, the anger, and the feeling of helplessness. Dr. J has decided to take this month off as far as ovulation medication goes. No Clomid, no Femara. My body has not reacted well to either medication so we are taking a month off. After this months blood draws, she will decide what is next. I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I feel like we are wasting another month in trying to conceive. If I don't ovulate with the medication, I am highly doubtful that I will ovulate without it. On the other hand, a break is probably what is best for me right now. In fact, sometimes I think taking a break from all of it would be nice. It sounds like it should be simple; takes some pills, watch what you eat, and chart. However, it is exhausting, mentally and emotionally. There is so much more than popping pills, paleo, and charting. For example, as I am writing this my head is pounding. Just take some Advil, right? No. I can't take Advil (or any NSAIDs) because it can effect ovulation. Living in the Texas Hill Country, I struggle with seasonal allergies. Take some Allegra? Nope. It dries up the mucus membranes, including cervical mucus which is necessary for conception. Those are just a couple of examples- I will spare you any more. It seems that any thing I do, or don't do, in every aspect of my life can effect our chance to have a child. Talk about stressful. Wait, I can't be stressed- that also effects ovulation. So, why don't I quit work, stay home, eat fruits and veggies and some meat, drink water, pop pills, and take notes every time I use the restroom. Wait, we spend way too much money on all of this to be able to quit work. (Side note- I love my job and we have been working hard over the past few months to lower my responsibilities and stress.) So, I say all that to say this: I have felt drained, defeated, depressed, and discouraged for quite some time.
The last two Sunday mornings, we have had sermons based on the victory we have in Jesus. These lessons have helped me realize that I often lose sight of that victory. As my life revolves around the struggles of infertility, I find that the little free time I have is consumed with things related to this struggle. I would be much better suited if I spent this free time in Bible study, prayer, and keeping busy with things that make me smile. I put so much trust into what the Dr. says - and I should, she is a talented, knowledgeable, and sincere doctor- but much more trust I should put in God. No, God doesn't promise me that I will have children. But He does promise me that if I only ask, He will give me the wisdom to get through this trial (James 1:5-6). He does not promise that it will be easy, He does not promise that it won't hurt, he does not promise that I will "beat" infertility. But He does promise that if we follow His Word, we are more than conquerors through Jesus (Romans 8:37). Christ has already won the victory for us, if we are in Him. I try to remember that eternity is all that matters. What I do here effects where I will be for eternity, but as far as salvation goes, having a child is not a prerequisite. "He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son." Revelation 21:7. What does "all things" entail? I don't know. But I do know, I won't need or want for anything else.
Now the hardest part. To keep this perspective, to live with this attitude, and to put all of my trust in God. Some days are better than others, but I pray that eventually, all days become easier.