Thy Will, Not Mine

Over the past 8-10 months, something has weighed heavily on my heart and in my mind. For those of you who do not know, my sweet Nannaw’s time here on earth ended on March 31 this year. After about seven years of fighting, the cancer won. It has been a difficult journey for us all, my Pawpaw especially. When she passed, Nannaw and Pawpaw were just a couple of months away from their 68^th wedding anniversary. 68 years of marriage! What a beautiful marriage they had. A relationship, marriage, and family built upon the Lord, their Rock. This strong foundation showed in all they did in their day to day lives. Nannaw always had such sound advice; Pawpaw always talking about biblical things. Not only were/are their words an encouragement but also their actions. Nannaw was truly a Proverbs 31 woman. (I tried to pick a verse from Proverbs 31 to use, but the entire chapter is fitting). Pawpaw truly loved her as Christ loves the church and showed that love every day. I started to notice something said in Pawpaw’s prayers about a year or so ago. Of course, we always prayed for Nannaw and her health as she was struggling with the cancer. The difference between my prayer, though, and Pawpaw’s prayer were five little words. “If it be Thy will” I cannot remember a time that Pawpaw prayed for her without praying “if it be Thy will”. When I recognized this about a year ago, I started thinking, “why am I not praying this way?” I know that this is the attitude and prayer that we should have, but it seems so hard. I began to try to include this “phrase” in my daily prayers for Nannaw. However, I never felt sincere when saying “if it be Thy will”. I was so afraid that His will, would not be in line with my will. My will, of course, was for Nannaw to beat cancer and be with us here on earth for a much longer time. Then I started telling myself, if Pawpaw, of all people can pray this way, why can’t I? He was her husband, they were made “as one” nearly 68 years ago, they spent all day every day together, they worshiped together, they ate every meal together, they (at one time) milked cows together, they sat on the front porch together, the watched Dr. Phil together... everything they did, they did together. He was the one that would be most affected by her illness or passing. Yet, he was the one who could sincerely plead to God to heal his wife, but only if it be God’s will. I am not sure if Pawpaw will ever know the impact he has had on my life, especially my prayer life. Among many other things, he has showed me how I ought to pray and how strong my faith ought to be. Jesus showed us the same type of example when He prayed in the garden of Gethsemane. He was approaching the time of His crucifixion, yet He prayed “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass away from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as Thou wilt.” In order to pray “Thy will, not mine,” we must be able to deny self and fully trust in God, even when it is really hard. I am convinced that if I can get to the point to where I can sincerely pray “Thy will, not mine” about all things, then this attitude will carry over into my every day interactions with other people. God first, others second, me last.

Pawpaw prayed for Nannaw every day that she fought that cancer. God answered his prayers, just not with the answer we all wanted. However, Pawpaw’s trust in and love for God did not allow his faith to waiver. He is still as faithful as ever and still prays the most humble, sincere, selfless prayers I have ever heard. I thank God for him as his example and pray that my faith can be strengthened enough so that I can sincerely pray Thy will, not mine about all things.