Searching for Contentment: Through a Miscarriage

Today should have been a celebration, but instead it's just another Monday. This week we had planned to share our good news, but instead we will try to hold it together as there is nothing left to say. This holiday season was going to finally be "the one". This coming June we were supposed to finally hold what we have prayed for for so long, but instead our arms will be empty.

You see, today we should have been celebrating the end of the first trimester, but instead we are mourning the loss of our baby. You see, year after year we say "surely by next Christmas we will have a baby". We should have been able to know that with certainty this year. Our baby was due to be born June 8, 2015. Now, it'll just be a day on the calendar for most, but for us, it will always be a day in our hearts. A day that we will wonder many things about. Would our Baby have come early, late or right "on time"? How much would it have weighed? Was it a boy or girl? Today- and every week that passes- I wonder, would I be showing yet? If so, how much? Would the nausea still be around or would it have passed? I could go on and on with all the thoughts, wonders, dreams that go through my mind daily. I will always wonder who our Baby would have been.

 I realize that many of you probably didn't even know we were pregnant. Allow me to backtrack for a minute.

That cycle was my first cycle (in a few months) without any ovulation meds so things were a little different/unclear. Each month I get blood work done on peak day +7. I also start taking progesterone on days peak +3-12. I had gotten to cycle day 23 and decided to check in with Dr. J to see if I should go ahead with blood work and progesterone. She said yes, so I got the blood work done, started the pills and would wait until the next cycle started to have a cycle review with Dr. J to see how my levels were without the meds and to make a new plan for the next cycle. We waited and waited, and we got to cycle day 39. At this point, part of me wanted to take a test just to remove the question from my mind, but the other part of me (a larger part of me) was scared to. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing another negative test. The morning of October 9 (cycle day 39), Jordan and I decided it would be best to take a test. *Just in case* I might be pregnant...I would need to restart progesterone immediately to help hold the pregnancy. I can't even come up with an adequate word to tell you how shocked we were. The test said pregnant! Immediately, clearly, no doubt about it, two lines, positive test, PREGNANT! I called Dr. J, they sent me for blood work, I took another home test and all results were good. She started me on progesterone, changed my diet, we found a local doctor, made cute announcements for our parents and felt like we were living a dream. We were full of joy and thanksgiving. Our conversations revolved around our little Baby. We couldn't wait until Thanksgiving when we had planned to make the announcement to extended family and friends. Christmas cards were already decided on. I had begun to fill out the pregnancy memory book that I have had stored away for years. My mind revolved around the fact that, finally, we were going to be parents. The next month was a complete blur. After some complications, numerous doctor visits, ultrasounds, blood draws, and an emergency room visit, our dream came to an end. No one knows why, but God took our Baby home.

Generally, most people decide not to share the good news until they have made it through the first trimester and the risk of miscarriage drops drastically. We had decided to do the same, especially considering all of my medical troubles. However, after we lost our Baby, we found that we could/can not bear this burden on our own. As we have broken down and cried to family and friends, I told Jordan, "This doesn't make sense. We didn't tell anyone other than immediate family that we were pregnant so that we didn't have to tell people if we had a miscarriage, but now that we have had a miscarriage we have told several people." I guess, initially, we were afraid of how hard it would be to tell people that our Baby was no longer living- if something were to happen, but in reality, it was so much harder trying to carry this burden on our own.  I only wish we had told more people the good news before the bad news hit. So many have been praying for us for so long, it would have been so nice to share some good news with them, rejoice with them, thank God with them.

We try to focus on positive things, but sometimes it is hard. My mind knows that because of Jesus, I have reason to celebrate every day. We can celebrate that our church family has helped to bear our burdens with us. We can celebrate that our jobs have allowed time for doctor appointments and some time away. We can celebrate that we have each other and that we are growing closer through this rather than growing apart. We can celebrate because this is another day the Lord has made. We can celebrate because we have a great Dr. We can celebrate because we have family and friends that love us. We can celebrate that our Baby is in the arms of Jesus. We can celebrate that we, belonging to Jesus, will join our Baby someday. These are a just a few reasons we know in our minds that we can celebrate, but our hearts are clouded by the hurt of not being able to celebrate the birth of our Baby.

I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks reading blogs and searching for comforting scriptures, trying to gather my thoughts and find a way to move forward. Here are a few scriptures I would like to share:

-Psalm 147:3-5
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars; He calls them all by name. Great is our Lord, and mighty in power; His understanding is infinite."

-Psalm 46:10
"Be still and know that I am God..."

-1 Peter 1:6-9
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that in the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, thought it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith-the salvation of your souls."

-Revelation 21:4
"And God shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."

One more verse that has been on my mind...

-Philippians 4:11
"...for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content."

I can't honestly say that I have come that far, but I have a goal.


Those of you who know me well, know that a post like this is far out of my comfort zone. I wanted to write these things to help clear my head, to share with those who have questions, to possibly help someone who is going through something similar, and to ask for your prayers. Friends and family, we simply ask that when you think we are being rude because we are not talkative, when we look sad or mad, when our eyes are on the brink of tears, please forgive us and keep in mind that our hearts and minds are likely thinking of our baby. <3

A New Perspective

Well, here we are, 8 months post surgery. I wish I could be writing about some positive news-in regards to infertility- but it simply doesn't exist right now. We have spent the last several months trying this medication and that medication, sticking to the diet, sticking to the charting, monthly blood draws, monthly check ups, and frequent ultrasounds. 2 months on Clomid, 1 month Femara, I have lost count of the months on Progesterone and the other 2 supplements. It is safe to say I am tired of swallowing pills! I say "we" rather than "I" because my husband has been there every step of the way. And with each medication and side effects, he experiences it too. Definitely different side effects than I have, but he experiences the mood changes, the tears, the frustration, the anger, and the feeling of helplessness. Dr. J has decided to take this month off as far as ovulation medication goes. No Clomid, no Femara. My body has not reacted well to either medication so we are taking a month off. After this months blood draws, she will decide what is next. I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I feel like we are wasting another month in trying to conceive. If I don't ovulate with the medication, I am highly doubtful that I will ovulate without it. On the other hand, a break is probably what is best for me right now. In fact, sometimes I think taking a break from all of it would be nice. It sounds like it should be simple; takes some pills, watch what you eat, and chart. However, it is exhausting, mentally and emotionally. There is so much more than popping pills, paleo, and charting. For example, as I am writing this my head is pounding. Just take some Advil, right? No. I can't take Advil (or any NSAIDs) because it can effect ovulation. Living in the Texas Hill Country, I struggle with seasonal allergies. Take some Allegra? Nope. It dries up the mucus membranes, including cervical mucus which is necessary for conception. Those are just a couple of examples- I will spare you any more. It seems that any thing I do, or don't do, in every aspect of my life can effect our chance to have a child. Talk about stressful. Wait, I can't be stressed- that also effects ovulation. So, why don't I quit work, stay home, eat fruits and veggies and some meat, drink water, pop pills, and take notes every time I use the restroom. Wait, we spend way too much money on all of this to be able to quit work. (Side note- I love my job and we have been working hard over the past few months to lower my responsibilities and stress.) So, I say all that to say this: I have felt drained, defeated, depressed, and discouraged for quite some time.
The last two Sunday mornings, we have had sermons based on the victory we have in Jesus. These lessons have helped me realize that I often lose sight of that victory. As my life revolves around the struggles of infertility, I find that the little free time I have is consumed with things related to this struggle. I would be much better suited if I spent this free time in Bible study, prayer, and keeping busy with things that make me smile. I put so much trust into what the Dr. says - and I should, she is a talented, knowledgeable, and sincere doctor- but much more trust I should put in God. No, God doesn't promise me that I will have children. But He does promise me that if I only ask, He will give me the wisdom to get through this trial (James 1:5-6). He does not promise that it will be easy, He does not promise that it won't hurt, he does not promise that I will "beat" infertility. But He does promise that if we follow His Word, we are more than conquerors through Jesus (Romans 8:37). Christ has already won the victory for us, if we are in Him. I try to remember that eternity is all that matters. What I do here effects where I will be for eternity, but as far as salvation goes, having a child is not a prerequisite. "He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son." Revelation 21:7. What does "all things" entail? I don't know. But I do know, I won't need or want for anything else.
Now the hardest part. To keep this perspective, to live with this attitude, and to put all of my trust in God. Some days are better than others, but I pray that eventually, all days become easier.

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Taking Aim to Have a Heart Like Jesus

"Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus"

It's so hard to believe that another year has come and gone at Peach Valley! It seems like a just a few months ago we were sitting down with ideas, dreams, and hopes of even starting a camp session out there. (in reality, this all began in 2012- time flies when you're having fun!) I started a blog post after camp last year, but it is still saved as a draft. I never felt like I really was able to put everything into words to adequately describe the week and the whole experience. I am not sure that this year is any different- however, I fully intend on finishing and posting this one! :)

For those of you who do not know, Peach Valley is an older camp between Shiner and Gonzales. My brother, cousins, and I went there as a kid, my parents went there as kids, and my family has had many good memories at Peach Valley for many years. It is no Hyatt by any means, not even a LaQuinta, but when the staff, servant leaders, campers, family of God gets there, the place comes to life. You no longer notice the need for new paint jobs, you no longer notice the cracks in the floors/walls, you no longer notice the musty smell (maybe that's only in the girls cabin...), you no longer notice the need to wear shower shoes; what you notice and adore now are the smiles, the kind and caring hearts, the service shown one to another, the songs of praise, the open hearts in prayer, the heartfelt lessons, the growing souls, and the memories you are making each and every minute of the day. For staff and servant leaders, that's over 8000 minutes spent at Peach Valley in the past week. Not to mention, the pre-camp meetings and preparation. Every minute, every dollar spent, every drop of sweat, every ache, every missed hour of sleep- was all worth it!

We had 72 campers (3rd-8th grade), 17 servant leaders (9th-12th grade), 28 staff members, and 6 pre-campers (staff children). I think it is safe to say that each and every one of us has grown spiritually in a tremendous way this past week. The curriculum was focused on having a heart like Jesus through secrecy, prayer, mediation, worship, and servant-hood. After Mondays lessons, campers began finding and leaving sweet notes on others beds anonymously- not doing good to be seen of men, but to glorify our God (Matt. 5 & 6). From Tuesdays lessons we all learned how to have a healthier prayer life. One that is regular, private, deep, sincere, giving adoration to God, thanksgiving to God, confessing our faults and struggles to God, and to make supplication from our hearts. Wednesday we focused on how to really meditate on God's Word, how to hide it in our hearts, how to live it in our lives. (Ps. 119:11) Thursday's focus was how to truly worship God in spirit and in truth. What is our attitude behind worship, how have we prepared our hearts, minds, and bodies to worship God as best we can. (John 4:23) And finally Friday, something that we touched on all week; something that our 17 servant leaders and staff taught by example all week: servant-hood. We want to serve others, worship, meditate, pray, and do good the way Jesus did. We are so blessed to have His example written down for us so we can learn from it and strive to mold our lives to be like Him.

I want to thank, from the bottom of my heart, every single person who helped with this camp. Thanks to those who volunteered their time and donated their money at work days, those who cut leaves for the encouragement tree, those who baked cookies, those who gave "scholarship" money to help kids make it to camp, those who wrote the curriculum, those who trusted us with their kids, those who took the effort to provide a hayride for the campers, those who have encouraged us along the way, those who have taught us by example, the encouragement from the elders at University, Dripping Springs, Midtown, Riverside, and elsewhere, and of course the servant leaders and the staff, and anyone else I may have left out. (forgive me, I am a bit tired :) )  Thanks to John for helping us and teaching us how to do this, thanks to Mom for helping me prepare and covering for me at work the last few weeks before camp, thanks to Carla for her input, experience, and support, thanks to Dad for his labor at pre-camp work days, and thanks to my wonderful husband for his constant hard work, dedication to God, caring heart, and desire to make this camp a success. Above all, thanks to our Father who gave us a Savior to teach these kids about, who gave us a safe week at camp, who gave us a common bond, who gave us each other, who created all things, and who has a Heavenly home waiting for us. To Him we are eternally grateful.

 One of my favorite parts about camp: The Encouragement Tree

Out of 123 people, over 500 leaves were written to encourage one another this week!

Peach Valley AIM Camp 2014

Focal Point 2014

Another year has passed, Focal Point has ended, and I realize, even more than before, how blessed we are to be part of the Lord's church-especially at University. It's hard to find the words to describe what the University congregation family means to us.
Over the last few weeks and months we have gotten to see our local brethren work, prepare, organize, cook, purchase, pray, promote, and look forward to Focal Point. It is a great encouragement to see so many people overly willing to give of their time, energy, and finances for the work of the Lord. However, as encouraging as that has been, to me, it pales in comparison to the desire, sincerity, and excitement I have seen this week in our brethren to learn about and worship our God. From 5 year olds leading singing in ladies class to those 80+ soaking up everything they hear because they are humble enough to realize they will always need the Lord and all they can learn from His Word.
Over the past few days, we have gotten to meet, visit, reconnect, and worship with people from all over the nation (and a couple from Jamaica!). The best part about it is, even if we were meeting for the first time, there was already a love for one another, a common love for our God, and a (spiritual) family connection. It's been said before, but Focal Point is like a family reunion. From learning a new way to mark my Bible for topical study, advice on marriage and parenting, lessons on how great our God is (and all the other many lessons in between) to having the opportunity to serve in various capacities, it has truly been a great week! To those who were visiting this week- we thank you for coming, teaching us, encouraging us, and giving us a chance to serve! Although the"workshop"/meeting/classes have ended, the lessons learned have not. I pray that we all take to heart the things we have learned this week and remember them for years to come.
When we got home last night after the last evening of the "camp for adults" (as some have called Focal Point), I opened a large envelope from the mailbox full of camper applications for Peach Valley. How exciting and fitting it was! Focal Point is over, but our work is not. Can't wait for July! Loving the life of a Christian!

Latest Favorite Recipes

So, it's been a couple of weeks since I have posted, but I have been trying some new recipes! My latest favorites are cinnamon rolls and sugar cookies.

The sugar cookies that I am currently loving are the Betty Crocker box mix (gluten free, of course) found at HEB. It calls for vanilla, water, egg, and butter (I used dairy free). The cookies are great! They crumble a little more easily than regular cookies, but they still taste great. And so does the dough :)

Now for the cinnamon rolls! I had never made homemade cinnamon rolls before this last attempt. I have always been content with the the Pillsbury cinnamon rolls in the tube. So, I had no idea how long it would take! I woke up at 6 one morning to make them for breakfast before we left for work. An hour and a half later...they were finally done! Trust me, I was thinking "these things better be good" after it being such a long process! And they were great! Jordan liked them, I liked them, and the recipe made a big batch! We both ate them for breakfast on a Tuesday, and then I had enough left over to heat them up each morning the rest of the week. I wonder if I could freeze some to save for a later date? I might give that a try on the next go round. Anyway, the recipe/instructions are lengthy, so I am just going to share the link to the recipe.
Cinnamon Roll Recipe  (I used the oven method)

Working on the Diet

I have decided that it may be helpful if I start, occasionally, blogging about the gluten-free/dairy-free/paleo-type diet I am on. This go round with the diet has not been as easy as the first go round. The first two months of the diet, I knew there was a chance that the diet could prevent the need for surgery, so I really stuck to it and did a great job. Now that surgery is over, I find it a little more difficult to be so strict on the diet. However, I am doing pretty good, it is just a slower start than before. The main struggle I have had is not having anything sweet to eat (other than fruit). So I have been searching Pinterest for recipes over the past couple of weeks. Up until now, everything I have tried to bake (gluten free/dairy free) has miserably failed. Which is uncommon for me because I usually have no problem with baking/cooking. Anyway, I have recently found a couple of things that are really good and wanted to share for others who are trying to follow the same type of diet!

First, a vanilla cupcake recipe. I found this recipe on Pinterest. It says they are vanilla cupcakes, but I think they are more like muffins. Either way, Jordan and I both really like them! The first time I made them (the recipe makes 6) I just did plain cupcakes. We liked them so much I decided I would try to add some things into the cupcake/muffins. So, on Sunday, I made 2 with blueberries, 2 with sprinkles, and 2 with chocolate chips. (the chocolate chip ones are for Jordan- he doesn't follow the diet). Here is the recipe:

3 T butter, melted or coconut oil      (I used dairy free butter)
3 large eggs
1/3 cup organic sugar (if using honey, reduce to 1/4 cup)
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 cup coconut flour      (I used brown rice flour)
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
Mix together butter, eggs, sugar, and vanilla in a large bowl.Combine the coconut flour with the baking powder and mix together. Then, add to the butter mixture; whisking until there are no lumps in the batter. Put batter into 6 greased muffin cups or muffin cups lined with aluminum foil baking cups. Don’t use paper because the muffins will stick to the bottom of the baking cups. Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes.

Here is the link to the recipe site. She also has an icing recipe in her post that I have not tried.
alifeinbalance.net

The second item I wanted to share, is the Bisquick Pancake mix I found at Walmart! I rarely go to Walmart, but was very pleased with the amount of gluten free items they had. I haven't found a ton of stuff at HEB, but I have been told I will have better luck if I try the big HEB in Kyle. Anyway, I used almond milk, sunflower oil, an egg, and the bisquick and we had pancakes Sunday morning. Jordan and I both liked them and thought they tasted "normal". :)

For some unknown reason, this picture refuses to upload right side up. So, I guess sideways is better than nothing! :)